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Ensuring that regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lesson as part of the curriculum. To what extent do you agree v.1

Ensuring that regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lesson as part of the curriculum. 1
These days, most of the people are talking about the necessity of physical exercise in school days. Some of them think that it is not necessary for the student and according to them, students should spend the institute day on their academic studies. In my opinion, physical exercise should be required for the child in the institute. I feel this way for two main reasons which I explore in the following essay. First of all, physical task is one of the important ways to reduce physical and mental stress. Physical training is the key to improve the immunity of the body’s which makes the student physically and mentally fit. Moreover, the concentration is directly proportional to the physical action which plays a vital role in the progress of students in their academic success. My personal experience is a good example of this. When I was in school, I often play basketball during the interval of class. This gives me the strong power to concentrate in the class as well as able to answer the particular obstacle given by the teacher. As a result, physical workout is an important aspect of every college student for their progress in the future. Secondly, outdoor activities give opportunities to build a strong relationship between the various pupil. This type of activity creates a positive environment in the class. If any issue arises then each and every scholar participate to solve the issue. Drawing from my own experience, when I was in grade six, chemistry teacher uses offensive language. We consulted each other and wrote an application to the principal to complain about the teacher. At that time, we realized that physical act makes a strong bond with us so that we can solve the complication. Hence, This is possible only when academy gives enough time to do physical training.
These days, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are talking about the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise in school days.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is not necessary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
and according to them,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should spend the institute day on their academic studies. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise should
be required
for the child in the institute. I feel this way for two main reasons which I explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
task is one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
training is the key to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the immunity of the body’s which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
physically
and mentally fit.
Moreover
, the concentration is
directly
proportional to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
action which plays a vital role in the progress of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their academic success. My personal experience is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this. When I was in school, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
play basketball during the interval of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. This gives me the strong power to concentrate in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
as well
as able to answer the particular obstacle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the teacher.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
workout is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of every college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
for their progress in the future.

Secondly
, outdoor activities give opportunities to build a strong relationship between the various pupil. This type of activity creates a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
environment in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. If any issue arises then each and every scholar participate to solve the issue. Drawing from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, when I was in grade six, chemistry teacher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
offensive language. We consulted each other and wrote an application to the principal to complain about the teacher. At that time, we realized that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
act
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a strong bond with us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we can solve the complication.
Hence
, This is possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when academy gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
training.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Ensuring that regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lesson as part of the curriculum. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
305 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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