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Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. To what extent do you agree? v.3

Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. v. 3
According to some individuals, only parents should take care of the physical activity of their children and schools should not play a role in it. However, this statement seems to be unjustifiable to me. Because, Activities in school are more interesting compared with ones at home, moreover, a institute can cause to prove children's inner skills in particular sports games. From one angle, children get easily bored when they play alone or in a small group. The reason is that physical games are run interestingly in an extended organization. If children do not find partners to play with, they may abandon the physical activities, is not any more attractive for them, and try to spend their time in other entertainments such as computer games, which do not require partners, causing children less active. However, in the school, they can have lots of counter partners, and this encourages them to make enthusiasm towards physical activities. From another perspective, primary academy is considered a fundamental facility for all specialties, so it should have all basic subjects such as even physical training. Because in early age nobody knows who children become in the future. Therefore, they should experiment with themselves in different fields. As an outcome, if they have a talent of any kind of sports games, their supervisor may notify their parents about it, this may lead parents to support their children to be professional in this sport game. To sum up, some consider that sport activity should be abandoned from school, and give this responsibility to parents. Nevertheless, since children have access to play in a group and be encouraged by this aspect, and the school can bring up plenty of sportsmen, the school ought to have sport lessons as part of the curriculum.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should take care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a role in it.
However
, this statement seems to be unjustifiable to me.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Activities
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are more interesting compared with ones at home,
moreover
,
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
institute can cause
Did you mean "proving"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'cause' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to prove
children's inner
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
games.

From one angle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
bored when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
alone or in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
group. The reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
games
are run
interestingly
in an extended organization. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not find partners to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with, they may abandon the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, is not
Did you mean the adverb "anymore"?
any more
attractive for them, and try to spend their time in other entertainments such as computer games, which do not require partners, causing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
less active.
However
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, they can have lots of counter partners, and this encourages them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
enthusiasm towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities.

From another perspective, primary academy
is considered
a fundamental facility for all specialties,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it should have all basic subjects such as even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
training.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
in early age nobody knows who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become in the future.
Therefore
, they should experiment with themselves in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields. As an outcome, if they have a talent of any kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
games, their supervisor may notify their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
about it, this may lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to support their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be professional in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
game.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
should
be abandoned
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, and give this responsibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Nevertheless
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
in a group and
be encouraged
by this aspect, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can bring up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of sportsmen, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
ought to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
lessons as part of the curriculum.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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