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Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. To what extend do you agree v.2

Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. 2
One of the key responsibilities of parents is to guide the kids in their daily exercise, hence sports should be excluded from the subjects. I believe that both parents and teachers should work together to keep the students healthy. The essay will firstly discuss on parents being the first teacher in the kid's life which will make the kid's listen to them and secondly, it will be discussed on sports helping to relieve the stress. The parents are important figures in the children's life. They are not only a role model but also the first teacher in the child's life. Consequently, they will listen better to them than outsiders. For instance, as per the research conducted on the decision making in Bhutan, it was found that approximately 68% of the adults still listen to their parent's advise while making any essential decisions related to their life. Therefore, the children will listen and follow the guide of their parents when it comes to their daily exercise. On the other hand, making sports as part of school subjects or curriculum will help the students to relieve the stress. For example, as the saying goes, work with no play makes Jack a dull boy, continues studying whole day will mentally exhaust the kid. However, sports break in between can help the students not only relieve the stress, but also makes them enjoy the classes. The essay opines that in order to keep the children fit and healthy, both the parents as well as schools should work hand in hand.
One of the key responsibilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is to guide the kids in their daily exercise,
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be excluded
from the subjects. I believe that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers should work together to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the students healthy. The essay will
firstly
discuss on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
being the
first
teacher in the kid's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the kid's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
to them and
secondly
, it will
be discussed
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
helping to relieve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
figures in the children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a role model
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
first
teacher in the child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Consequently
, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
better to them than outsiders.
For instance
, as per the research conducted on the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
in Bhutan, it
was found
that approximately 68% of the adults
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
to their
Consider using the plural form here: "parents".
parent's
advise while making any essential decisions related to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
, the children will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
and follow the guide of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to their daily exercise.

On the other hand
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as part of school subjects or curriculum will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the students to relieve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
For example
, as the saying goes, work with no play
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
Jack a dull boy, continues studying whole day will mentally exhaust the kid.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
break in between can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the students not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
relieve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them enjoy the classes.

The essay opines that in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the children fit and healthy, both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
schools should work hand in hand.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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