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Encouraging the development of creative industries such as the production of video games and computer software is the best way to reduce youth unemployment. v.1

Encouraging the development of creative industries such as the production of video games and computer software is the best way to reduce youth unemployment. v. 1
There has been a dramatic increase in unemployment rate in developing countries over the last few years. However, with the effective use of technological advancement, this gap could be shortening to some extent. Information technology can play a significant role in the career development of youngster by adapting software and game development as their profession. I strongly believe that those new industries substantially help youth in better careers and open new horizon of opportunities for them. Firstly, setup cost of such industries is very affordable and feasible, as it required a computer and a few software to start programming. This is not surprising that end products if fully developed could give them lucrative benefits and commercial gains. Moreover, youth can attract the attention of international customers by offering them cheap rate and reliable services by the use of numerous freelancing websites over the internet. Those websites pay their users in dollars after deducting a little charge for facilitating them. However, governments can also play a pivotal role in mitigating youth woes in many ways. They should offer loan to the educated people on low markup rate to start their own business. This will encourage youngsters to show their entrepreneur skills and thrive in their field of choice. Secondly, there is a dire need to make rectification in the merit system, a large number of potential candidates deprived of getting jobs due to nepotism and favouritism by the authorities concerned. Finally, the government should generate new job vacancies in numbers proportion to population growth. To sum up, I would like to say that youngster could get numerous benefits by using new and dynamic industries. As all the institutions are going to computerised, making new and lucrative opportunities for people associate with game and software industries. Moreover, vocational training by the government in information technology and other industries would help in depletion of unemployment.
There has been a dramatic increase in unemployment rate in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
over the last few years.
However
, with the effective
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technological advancement, this gap could be shortening to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. Information technology can play a significant role in the career development of youngster by adapting software and game development as their profession. I
strongly
believe that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
substantially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
youth in better careers and open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
horizon of opportunities for them.

Firstly
, setup cost of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
affordable and feasible, as it required a computer and a
Possible agreement error. The noun software seems to be uncountable; consider using: "little software".
few software
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
programming. This is not surprising that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
products if
fully
developed could give them lucrative benefits and commercial gains.
Moreover
, youth can attract the attention of international customers by offering them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
rate and reliable services by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of numerous freelancing websites over the internet. Those websites pay their users in dollars after deducting a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
charge for facilitating them.

However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can
also
play a pivotal role in mitigating youth woes in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. They should offer loan to the educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on low markup rate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business. This will encourage youngsters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their entrepreneur
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and thrive in their field of choice.
Secondly
, there is a dire need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
rectification in the merit system,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
potential candidates deprived of getting jobs due to nepotism and
Possible spelling mistake found.
favouritism
by the authorities concerned.
Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should generate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
job vacancies in numbers proportion to population growth.

To sum up, I would like to say that youngster could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
numerous benefits by using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and dynamic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
. As all the institutions are going to
'Going to' requires the base form: "computerise"
computerised
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and lucrative opportunities for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
associate with game and software
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
.
Moreover
, vocational training by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in information technology and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in depletion of unemployment.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Encouraging the development of creative industries such as the production of video games and computer software is the best way to reduce youth unemployment. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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