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employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v.13

employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 13
Sometimes recruiters ask the job applicants for their private information, such as the job seeker's personal preferences and marital status. And, some people believe that this information is required for the hiring process, while others do not agree with this. In my opinion, I think it is vital for organisations to know some private details of their potential employees to make conscious decisions when hiring them. Firstly, recruiting an employee is a complicated and costly procedure for any organisation. If they made the wrong decision to hire a wrong person, he or she could ultimately become only a cost for the business. For example, if someone does not fit into the organisational culture, it can create friction in operations. However, this kind of situations can easily be avoided by evaluating hobbies, likes, and dislikes. Therefore, it is crucial for them to acquire all possible information about job seekers to effectively recruit the right person for the job. However, some people think that collecting personal information is unnecessary at all, and they also believe that it can severely affect the privacy of individuals. That is why all employers should take necessary care to treat the personal data, which they have gathered from applicants, under an effective data privacy policy. For example, they should safely discard every private detail that they had collected after the recruitment process. And, by doing so, they can respect the privacy of individuals. In conclusion, while it is imperative for the businesses to know personal data of the people before they hire potential employees, recruiters should also take good care of data security and privacy policies, when it comes to handling sensitive information of individuals.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
recruiters ask the job applicants for their private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
, such as the job seeker's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
preferences and marital status. And,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is required
for the hiring process, while others do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is vital for
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
to know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of their potential employees to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
conscious decisions when hiring them.

Firstly
, recruiting an employee is a complicated and costly procedure for any
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
. If they made the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision to hire a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
person, he or she could
ultimately
become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a cost for the business.
For example
, if someone does not fit into the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisational' is British English.
organisational
culture, it can create friction in operations.
However
, this kind of situations can
easily
be avoided
by evaluating hobbies, likes, and dislikes.
Therefore
, it is crucial for them to acquire all possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about job seekers to
effectively
recruit the right person for the job.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that collecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is unnecessary at all, and they
also
believe that it can
severely
affect the privacy of individuals.
That is
why all employers should take necessary care to treat the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, which they have gathered from applicants, under an effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
privacy policy.
For example
, they should
safely
discard every private detail that they had collected after the recruitment process. And, by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they can respect the privacy of individuals.

In conclusion
, while it is imperative for the businesses to know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they hire potential employees, recruiters should
also
take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
security and privacy policies, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to handling sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of individuals.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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