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During the 20th century, contact between different parts of the world has developed rapidly and thanks to air travel and telecommunication for this. <br><br> To what extent do you agree that societies benefit from the increased contact and closer relationships with foreigners brought by international tourism and business? v.1

During the 20th century, contact between different parts of the world has developed rapidly and thanks to air travel and telecommunication for this. <br><br> v. 1
It is sometimes argued that increased contact and closer interrelationships between countries bring several benefits to a society and thank goes to air travel and telecommunication for this. Personally, I believe that there are also some negative effects of the above trend, as will now be explained. There are some downsides to increased commerce and increased relationships between nations in the world. The most significant of these disadvantages is that it can weaken national culture and traditions. The main reason is that people can easily adopt the aspects of strangers and more interesting lifestyles from foreign countries and usually neglect the traditional values. For example, a stand of Vietnamese folk songs might be gradually faded away because young Vietnamese people tend to opt for more attractive Korean music. The second disadvantage is that in the face of imported goods and services, local producers, especially in a less developed country, fail to compete with foreign ones in their own domestic market, which leads to a number of bankruptcies, then holds back society from development. There are some major points to make in favour of increased business and closer relationships worldwide. Firstly, it can drive the world's economy forward. Granted, big corporations such as Microsoft and Apple can easily expand their branches in any corners of the world, thanks to increased business interaction, which can also create more employment opportunities, especially in a third-world country. Secondly, revenues from tourist activities can contribute to the economic growth. Undoubtedly, tourism jobs such as photographers and tour guides can help increase income for the locals. Finally, the more we share habits, products and services, the better we understand each other, and this reduces prejudice against other nations. In conclusion, I believe that the closer contact and increased commerce worldwide bring about both cons and pros and cheap air flights and mobile communication have accelerated that.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
contact and closer interrelationships between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
bring several benefits to a society and thank goes to air travel and telecommunication for this.
Personally
, I believe that there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of the above trend, as will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
downsides to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
commerce and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
relationships between nations in the world. The most significant of these disadvantages is that it can weaken national culture and traditions. The main reason is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
easily
adopt the aspects of strangers and more interesting lifestyles from foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and
usually
neglect the traditional values.
For example
, a stand of Vietnamese folk songs might be
gradually
faded away
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to opt for more attractive Korean music. The second disadvantage is that in the face of imported
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services, local producers,
especially
in a less developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, fail to compete with foreign ones in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
domestic market, which leads to a number of bankruptcies, then holds back society from development.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major points to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
business and closer relationships worldwide.
Firstly
, it can drive the world's economy forward. Granted,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
corporations such as Microsoft and Apple can
easily
expand their branches in any corners of the world, thanks to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
business interaction, which can
also
create more employment opportunities,
especially
in a third-world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Secondly
, revenues from tourist activities can contribute to the economic growth.
Undoubtedly
, tourism jobs such as photographers and tour guides can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
increase income for the locals.
Finally
, the more we share habits, products and services, the better we understand each other, and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
prejudice against other nations.

In conclusion
, I believe that the closer contact and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
commerce worldwide bring about both cons and pros and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
air flights and mobile communication have accelerated that.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay During the 20th century, contact between different parts of the world has developed rapidly and thanks to air travel and telecommunication for this. <br><br> v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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