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Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. v.1

Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. v. 1
It is believed that communities get a lot of benefits from the international tourism industry and foreign investments. Although these industries sometimes bring negative effects to the local communities, I personally believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, foreign tourism and international business activities have some negative effects on societies. Many international travellers are bringing habits and cultural activities which are inappropriate for local communities. For example, many western people wear casual clothing such as short pants or bikini, when they visit the sacred temple Tanah Lot in Bali. The local people feel distracted with these kinds of attitude and behaviour since tourists have been warned about the clothing standard but they have abandoned it. Besides that, with the invasion of foreign investments, they have given negative effect for local businesses. One of the examples is that with the growing number of Seven eleven stores in Jakarta, it has given negative effect to the local traditional market. On the other hand, many societies have taken the advantage of foreign investment and international tourism. Firstly, tourism industries have created a lot of job opportunities for local people. As the tourism businesses grow, there are many new hotels and restaurants that are built and automatically absorb local employments. Secondly, international tourism and business make a significant contribution to a country's GDP. Taxes on hotels and restaurants and income taxes of expatriates contribute a significant amount of money for the country's income. Thirdly, with the high number of tourists that visit tourist attraction places, they have generated revenues for these places. As a result, these tourist attraction places could independently manage their own operational costs, without relying on government subsidies. In conclusion, international tourism and foreign investment have their own positive and negative sides. Despite the drawbacks, I do believe that international tourism and business have more benefit for local people and governments as well.
It
is believed
that communities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
industry and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investments
. Although these industries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
communities, I
personally
believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
activities have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects on societies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
are bringing habits and cultural activities which are inappropriate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
communities.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wear casual clothing such as short pants or bikini, when they visit the sacred temple
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tanah
Lot in Bali. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel distracted with these kinds of attitude and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
have
been warned
about the clothing standard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have abandoned it.
Besides
that, with the invasion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investments
, they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
. One of the examples is that with the growing number of Seven eleven stores in Jakarta, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
traditional market.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
societies have taken the advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
industries have created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
job opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
grow, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new hotels and restaurants that
are built
and
automatically
absorb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
employments.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a significant contribution to a country's GDP. Taxes on hotels and restaurants and income taxes of expatriates contribute a significant amount of money for the country's income.
Thirdly
, with the high number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
that visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
attraction places, they have generated revenues for these places.
As a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
attraction places could
independently
manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
operational costs, without relying on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
subsidies.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
sides. Despite the drawbacks, I do believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
have more benefit for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
as well
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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