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Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. v.3

Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. v. 3
Some people believe that people have many advantages from international business and tourism. However, I totally disagree with this opinion and firmly believe that people have much more disadvantages than advantages from the international relationship with different countries. First of all, international tourism brings many disadvantages to the local environment. For example, when people come to visit new places from different countries they use transport to move from one place to different. As a result, local environment has been polluted. Another example is tourists like to visit historical places of a new country that they have just come to visit and some of them do not have respect to this historical place. As a result, these people can disturb this place by leaving rubbish there or ever though break this place. The next point that should be taken into consideration is that local businesses have been distracted when outsiders come with their new products or services from overseas. For example, it is a local tradition to produce chocolate and a lot of people buy this popular type of chocolate. However, foreign people brought with them different types of chocolates the price of which is cheaper. As a result, local people start to buy new, foreign type of chocolate. Therefore, the local production of chocolate stopped and people who worked there lost their jobs. For this reason, local people can struggle with the international business relationship and international tourism. To sum up, it is evident that international business and tourism bring with them many disadvantages to the local environment and economy. From my point of view, it would be better to develop without distractions from foreign business and tourism.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
.
However
, I
totally
disagree with this opinion and
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have much more disadvantages than advantages from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
relationship with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
environment.
For example
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
transport to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
environment has
been polluted
. Another example is tourists like to visit historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
country that they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to visit and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them do not have respect to this historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
As a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can disturb this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
by leaving rubbish there or ever though break this place.

The
next
point that should
be taken
into consideration is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
have
been distracted
when outsiders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
products or services from overseas.
For example
, it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
tradition to produce chocolate and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
this popular type of chocolate.
However
, foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
brought with them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chocolates
the price of which is cheaper.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
, foreign type of chocolate.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
production of chocolate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who worked there lost their jobs.
For this reason
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can struggle with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
relationship and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
tourism.

To sum up, it is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
bring with them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
environment and economy. From my point of view, it would be better to develop without distractions from foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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