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Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. v. 2
The supermarket systems have witnessed a significant growth in several countries; therefore, some believe it would lead to the end of the local communities as well as their business. In my opinion, it is true that the appearance of multi-purpose shopping centres will bring about the disappearance of small enterprises and surrounding residents. First of all, the expansion of big malls has narrowed the total incomes of the local business as a whole. In order words, having no relative economic of scale advantages, many small stores find it hard to compete in terms of prices and product diversification with the supermarkets. As a result, their total incomes will decrease dramatically, and some might face the threat of bankruptcy. Another reason why the existence of the local communities might run to an end is that they do not bring various shopping experience to the customers. Generally, each particular local shop only serves specific type of products, such as groceries or meat. Therefore, in order to complete the necessary items in the shopping list, shoppers have to spend time travelling to different places. Thus, this leads to reluctant shopping behaviour towards the local business. Finally, the death of local communities might cause by not having enough crucial work force. In fact, one supermarket has created way more job positions with different shifts than one small local business can do. As a result, it has attracted the attention of potential, which may eventually cause the permanent closure of such business. In conclusion, while supermarket expansion has brought dramatical change for the local, I am convinced that it will definitely threaten the existence of local communities due to loss of income, labour workforce and economic advantages
The supermarket systems have witnessed a significant growth in several countries;
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe it would lead to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
as well
as their business. In my opinion, it is true that the appearance of multi-purpose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
will bring about the disappearance of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
enterprises and surrounding residents.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the expansion of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
malls has narrowed the total incomes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
business as a whole. In order words, having no relative economic of scale advantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
stores find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to compete in terms of prices and product diversification with the supermarkets.
As a result
, their total incomes will decrease
dramatically
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
might face the threat of bankruptcy.

Another reason why the existence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
might run to an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
is that they do not bring various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
experience to the customers.
Generally
, each particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
shop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
serves specific type of products, such as groceries or meat.
Therefore
, in order to complete the necessary items in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
list, shoppers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend time travelling to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places.
Thus
, this leads to reluctant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
business.

Finally
, the death of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
might cause by not having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
crucial work force. In fact, one supermarket has created way more job positions with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
shifts than one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
business can do.
As a result
, it has attracted the attention of potential, which may
eventually
cause the permanent closure of such business.

In conclusion
, while supermarket expansion has brought
Possible spelling mistake found.
dramatical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
, I
am convinced
that it will definitely threaten the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
due to loss of income,
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
workforce and economic advantages
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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