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Due to so many young people dropping out from schools, the rate of unemployment is increasing and it affects our society in different ways. v.4

Due to so many young people dropping out from schools, the rate of unemployment is increasing and it affects our society in different ways. v. 4
An increasing number of young students drop out from schools, sometimes to earn to support the family and sometimes due to reasons not rational, and this has a severe consequence in a long run. Not always those students are to blame and this is not the context of this discussion. Rather the state should revise the way it runs schools and arrange re-schooling facilities and the school authority should arrange some paid jobs for needy students to mend this situation. To begin with, a young pupil drops out from a academy mainly to earn a wage to support his family and this is more common in developing and poor countries. According to a recent report, more than 30% students leave school in South Asian countries due to financial hindrance. The government in such a country should focus on developing the condition of parents who have school-going offspring. The education should be free and some subsidies should be provided to poor students. Besides, the government's initiatives to create more jobs would also improve this situation. However, the greatest step the government should and can take is arranging re-schooling facility for those disarrayed pupils with some incentives and job provisions. Moreover, the school government should make education more fun in school to retain young students. For instance, some of the Japanese schools use interactive and fun methods to teach young minds and this has increased students’ school attendance dramatically. Such initiatives should be welcomed and more widely used. Besides, the institute authority can arrange some clerical jobs for needy students to help them continue their studies. To conclude, education is the most important pillar for the development of a nation and the state and school authority should help students stay in schools and finish their academic years. Without having an educated nation, the crime and unemployment would skyrocket to push the society to a complete chaos.
An increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
drop out from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
to earn to support the family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
due to reasons not rational, and this has a severe consequence in a long run. Not always those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are to blame and this is not the context of this discussion.
Rather
the state should revise the way it runs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and arrange re-schooling facilities and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authority should arrange
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to mend this situation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
pupil drops out from
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
academy
mainly
to earn a wage to support his family and this is more common in developing and poor countries. According to a recent report, more than 30%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in South Asian countries due to financial hindrance. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in such a country should focus on developing the condition of parents who have school-going offspring. The education should be free and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
subsidies should
be provided
to poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Besides
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's initiatives to create more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this situation.
However
, the greatest step the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should and can take is arranging re-schooling facility for those disarrayed pupils with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
incentives and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
provisions.

Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
education more fun in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to retain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
For instance
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
interactive and fun methods to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
minds and this has increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
attendance
dramatically
. Such initiatives should
be welcomed
and more
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.
Besides
, the institute authority can arrange
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
clerical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them continue their studies.

To conclude
, education is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
pillar for the development of a nation and the state and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authority should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
stay in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and finish their academic years. Without having an educated nation, the crime and unemployment would skyrocket to push the society to a complete chaos.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Due to so many young people dropping out from schools, the rate of unemployment is increasing and it affects our society in different ways. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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