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Due to development and rapid expansion in some countries, many small business are unable to compete. Some people thinks closure of local business will bring about death to local communities. To what extent do you agree v.1

Due to development and rapid expansion in some countries, many small business are unable to compete. Some people thinks closure of local business will bring about death to local communities. 1
In many countries, namely the United Kingdom, when a person reaches superannuation, he often lives in old age homes. For their survival, government has to provide monetary help. According to my opinion, these expenses must be bored by both the family and the higher authorities of the nations. To begin with, when people become older, their children start neglecting them as they consider their parent's burden on themselves. Therefore, older people have no choice but to live in old age homes where they are accompanied by their companions of almost the same age. At this phase of life, body is prone to certain ailments, such as, diabetes, heart problems. It is the moral duty of their offsprings to spend money on their healthcare. For an instance, my friend's grandmother is a cancer patient, she is living in an elder hostel. Her son is taking care of her by providing financial support as her treatment is quite expensive. Contrary to this, it is the people or the citizens of the country that decide the bureaucracy by giving their precious votes. Hence, it is the duty of government to provide comfortable and prosperous life to the public. Elderly people contribute an ample percentage of the whole population, as a result, their rights must be protected and this must be ensured by the bureaucrats. To exemplify, the Canadian Government is spending huge amount of money for the welfare of elders and senior citizens and the result is this country is possessing a good rank in terms of Global parameters that define quality of life. To conclude, it is necessary for both the wards of the elderly people and the government of the nation to take care of them as senior citizens are an indispensable part of a family as well as the country.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
namely
the United Kingdom, when a person reaches superannuation, he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age homes. For their survival,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
provide monetary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. According to my opinion, these expenses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be bored
by both the family and the higher authorities of the nations.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become older, their children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
neglecting them as they consider their parent's burden on themselves.
Therefore
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age homes where they
are accompanied
by their companions of almost the same age. At this phase of life, body is prone to certain ailments, such as, diabetes, heart problems. It is the moral duty of their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
to spend money on their healthcare. For an instance, my friend's grandmother is a cancer patient, she is living in an elder hostel. Her son is taking care of her by providing financial support as her treatment is quite expensive.

Contrary to this, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or the citizens of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
that decide the bureaucracy by giving their precious votes.
Hence
, it is the duty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to provide comfortable and prosperous life to the public. Elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contribute an ample percentage of the whole population,
as a result
, their rights
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be protected
and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be ensured
by the bureaucrats. To exemplify, the Canadian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
is spending huge amount of money for the welfare of elders and senior citizens and the result is this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
The verb 'possessing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is possessing
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
rank in terms of Global parameters that define quality of life.

To conclude
, it is necessary for both the wards of the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of the nation to take care of them as senior citizens are an indispensable part of a family
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Due to development and rapid expansion in some countries, many small business are unable to compete. Some people thinks closure of local business will bring about death to local communities. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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