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Does video communication with doctor help patients to cure any disease? v.1

Does video communication with doctor help patients to cure any disease? v. 1
One of the most conspicuous trends of today's world is a colossal upsurge in the number of people believing that video communication with doctors can help patients to cure any disease. There is a widespread worry that this will only lead to a myriad of concerns in one's life. However, I do not entirely accept this and I will explain why in this essay. There are a number of arguments in favour of my stance. The most preponderant one is that online communication can not only contribute to saving time and getting quick doctor's prescription but also lead to numerous other benefits in various fields. Thanks to the wide range of advantages it offers, not only can one benefit more when it comes to being effective, but can also enhance the productivity and quality of their lives with much ease, efficacy and convenience. Needless to say, all these merits stand one in good stead, as far as augmenting their chances of prosperity and excellence is concerned. Another pivotal aspect of the aforementioned proposition is that it is only likely to help one thrive and excel in varied areas. Besides, only when one follows such a system, can they broaden their horizons, thus, learning such essential attributes as responsibility, dedication and perseverance. Hence, it is apparent why many are in favour of having online video communication between patients and doctors to cure any disease. In view of the arguments oulined above, one can conclude that the benefits of quick and time saver video conferencing with doctors are indeed too great to ignore.
One of the most conspicuous trends of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world is a colossal upsurge in the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believing that video communication with doctors can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
patients to cure any disease. There is a widespread worry that this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
lead to a myriad of concerns in one's life.
However
, I do not
entirely
accept this and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why in this essay.

There are a number of arguments in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of my stance. The most preponderant one is that online communication can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
contribute to saving time and getting quick doctor's prescription
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
lead to numerous other benefits in various fields. Thanks to the wide range of advantages it offers, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
can one benefit more when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to being effective,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
also
enhance the productivity and quality of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
, efficacy and convenience. Needless to say, all these merits stand one in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stead, as far as augmenting their chances of prosperity and excellence
is concerned
.

Another pivotal aspect of the aforementioned proposition is that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one thrive and excel in varied areas.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
when one follows such a system, can they broaden their horizons,
thus
, learning such essential attributes as responsibility, dedication and perseverance.
Hence
, it is apparent why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of having online video communication between patients and doctors to cure any disease.

In view of the arguments
Possible spelling mistake found.
oulined
above, one can conclude that the benefits of quick and time saver video conferencing with doctors are
indeed
too great to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Does video communication with doctor help patients to cure any disease? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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