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Doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about how to improve their health. v.1

Doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about how to improve their health. v. 1
Many people say that doctors should be in charge of telling their patients about how to improve their health. Although I completely disagree with this opinion. In this essay, I will prove my views with reasons and examples. First of all, Doctors have had their own direction for so many years. As for diseased people, the members of other jobs should be attracted. Another helpful way is that, They should think about their health. They need to go to the internet to know what are needed for them or what their strength is demand for. Second of all, The human being has had its own relatives, closes since they were born. They might be children, parents or others who have to care of them. In fact, Doctors ought to warn patients` relatives about what they do need beforehand. However, There could be the people who are far or without their parents too. Third of all, The contemporary life is being updated day by day. New technologies are being made, new cyber-treatments are expected to be used. Virtually, they would probably be the best ways to inform the people about their well-being. Moreover, New channels should separately be opened for those who are suffering or being afraid of their healths. To sum up, There could be so many other reasons to prove why I did not agree with the statement, however, I think that doctors are really main guilties for protecting the people`s lives. Their job is exceedingly hard. So other additional hardships will obviously be more and more complicated.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
should be in charge of telling their patients about how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
I completely disagree with this opinion. In this essay, I will prove my views with reasons and examples.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doctors
have had their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
direction for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years. As for diseased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
jobs should
be attracted
. Another helpful way is that, They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their health. They need to go to the internet to know what
are needed
for them or what their strength is demand for.

Second of all, The human being has had its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
relatives, closes since they
were born
. They might be children, parents or others who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
care of them. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doctors
ought to warn patients` relatives about what they do need beforehand.
However
, There could be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are far or without their parents too.

Third of all, The contemporary life is
being updated
day by day. New technologies are
being made
, new cyber-treatments are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.
Virtually
, they would
probably
be the best ways to inform the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about their well-being.
Moreover
, New channels should
separately
be opened
for those who are suffering or being afraid of their
Possible spelling mistake found.
healths
.

To sum up, There could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
reasons to prove why I did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement,
however
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
are
really
main
Possible spelling mistake found.
guilties
for protecting the
The character between 'people' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "people’s" (curly apostrophe) or "people's" (straight apostrophe).
people`s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Their job is
exceedingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
additional hardships will
obviously
be more and more complicated.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about how to improve their health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
259 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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