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Doctors in many countries concern that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What cause this? How this can be solved? v.1

Doctors in many countries concern that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What cause this? How this can be solved? v. 1
With the transportation revolution, travelling abroad is becoming familiar to tourists, which induces the airlines to launch discounted tickets to attract customers. However, some environmentalists are convinced that air traffic poses a threat to the environment. Thus, taxes should be imposed on tickets. Other hold an opposing opinion that the policy is not efficacious enough and should not be enforced. My stance is in line with the latter one as the following paragraphs show. Firstly, the imposition of taxes will certainly raise the prices of tickets as the airlines consider the overall cost. As a result, customers have no choice but to pay for the added taxes since there are few alternatives of transport to go abroad. Moreover, the increasing price is a financial burden on most families and individuals. As some of them perceive travelling overseas a reward for their hard-working, additional taxes make it more difficult for them to afford the pricey tickets, depriving them of the possibility to travel abroad. Second, levying taxes on tickets is not directly related to conserving the environment. It is also in dispute whether governments will distribute money from the taxes to environmental protection. Worse yet, corruption may happen and throw into question the original intention of the taxation. Therefore, from my perspective, other solutions can be implemented to improve our surroundings more effectively, for instance, renovating the old aeroplanes to avoid emitting an excessive amount of gases which are harmful to the air quality or research on alternative energy resources which are more environmentally friendly. In either case, environmental problems can be solved rather than imposing taxes. To sum up, the impact on the environment brought by the aeroplanes cannot be neglected. However, given the above factors, imposing taxes might not be the best approach.
With the transportation revolution, travelling abroad is becoming familiar to tourists, which induces the airlines to launch discounted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
to attract customers.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
environmentalists
are convinced
that air traffic poses a threat to the environment.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
should
be imposed
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
. Other hold an opposing opinion that the policy is not efficacious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and should not
be enforced
. My stance is in line with the latter one as the following paragraphs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.

Firstly
, the imposition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
will
certainly
raise the prices of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
as the airlines consider the
overall
cost.
As a result
, customers have no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to pay for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
since there are few alternatives of transport to go abroad.
Moreover
, the increasing price is a financial burden on most families and individuals. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them perceive travelling overseas a reward for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working, additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it more difficult for them to afford the pricey
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
, depriving them of the possibility to travel abroad.

Second, levying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
is not
directly
related to conserving the environment. It is
also
in dispute whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
will distribute money from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
to environmental protection. Worse
yet
, corruption may happen and throw into question the original intention of the taxation.
Therefore
, from my perspective, other solutions can
be implemented
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our surroundings more
effectively
,
for instance
, renovating the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Possible spelling mistake. 'aeroplanes' is British English.
aeroplanes
to avoid emitting an excessive amount of gases which are harmful to the air quality or research on alternative energy resources which are more
environmentally
friendly. In either case, environmental problems can
be solved
rather
than imposing taxes.

To sum up, the impact on the environment brought by the
Possible spelling mistake. 'aeroplanes' is British English.
aeroplanes
cannot
be neglected
.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the above factors, imposing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
might not be the best approach.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Doctors in many countries concern that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What cause this? How this can be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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