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Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this and how it can be address? v.2

Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this and how it can be address? v. 2
Health is one of the most crucial aspects in someone’s success, which determines one’s growth and prosperity. Furthermore, sedentary lifestyle has become a common sight with the advancement of technology, which has resulted many detrimental impacts on human’s life, and thereby brings many health repercussions, which can be resolved by physical exercise. However, in many countries doctors hold the opinion that people are not getting enough physical exercises. Therefore, I will highlight causes and solution of this problem. To begin with, life can be a miserable without healthy lifestyle, but there are certain hindrances, which are responsible for not making people to do any physical exercise. Firstly, this competitive world has made people very focused towards their work to accomplish ladder of success, consequently this work dedication and commitment has reduced their time for recreational activities, especially for physical exercises. Secondly, availability of everything due to advent of technology has made people effortless and cynical, thus people do not want to engross themselves in physical exercises. For instance, it has been found in many surveys that many youngsters are under the threat of heart attack and obesity owing to lack of participation in physical exercise. However, every problem comes with solution, which is similar in this case. This grim problem can be resolved with various initiatives. Firstly, long working hours in companies must mitigate to ensure some spare time for the employees so that they could indulge themselves in physical exercises. In addition, government should aware people about importance of health and drastic impact of over usage of technology, and further establish sports ground and many other physical exercise related activities. Finally, the government should enforce stringent employment laws that help people to deduct their overtime work and make their work life balance. In conclusion, healthy person can merely contribute in nation’s growth therefore it is the responsibility of an individual to give some time to physical exercise, irrespective of thinking about money and so on.
Health is one of the most crucial aspects in someone’s success, which determines one’s growth and prosperity.
Furthermore
, sedentary lifestyle has become a common sight with the advancement of technology, which has resulted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
detrimental impacts on human’s life, and thereby brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health repercussions, which can
be resolved
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
However
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries doctors hold the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
.
Therefore
, I will highlight causes and solution of this problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, life can be a miserable without healthy lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are certain hindrances, which are responsible for not making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
Firstly
, this competitive world has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
focused towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to accomplish ladder of success,
consequently
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
dedication and commitment has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
their time for recreational activities,
especially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
.
Secondly
, availability of everything due to advent of technology has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
effortless and cynical,
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not want to engross themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
.
For instance
, it has
been found
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
surveys that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters are under the threat of heart attack and obesity owing to lack of participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise.

However
, every problem
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with solution, which is similar
in this case
. This grim problem can
be resolved
with various initiatives.
Firstly
, long working hours in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
mitigate to ensure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
spare time for the employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could indulge themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
The word 'aware' is a noun or an adjective. A verb is missing or misspelled, or maybe a comma is missing.
should aware
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about importance of health and drastic impact of over usage of technology, and
further
establish sports ground and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
related activities.
Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enforce stringent employment laws that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to deduct their overtime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
work life
balance.

In conclusion
, healthy person can
merely
contribute in nation’s growth
therefore
it is the responsibility of an individual to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, irrespective of thinking about money and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
20Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this and how it can be address? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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