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Doctors these days are saying people are not getting enough physical exercise. What do you think are the problem of this trend? What can be done to solve this problem? v.1

Doctors these days are saying people are not getting enough physical exercise. What do you think are the problem of this trend? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 1
It is often argued that it is more advantageous to choose a job with high wage, even if it doesn't appeal to you at all. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that career satisfaction is much more important than earnings. First of all, I believe that job satisfaction gives people a sense of fulfilment that no money can guarantee. Even if someone is earning a high wage, but feels tensed and compromises with his conscience, this person won’t enjoy his life. While pursuing one’s interests will always bring pleasure and a feeling of achievement. For example, a lot of famous researchers made their career choices, not because of appealing wages, but because they were passionate about science. That’s why it’s more important to choose the kind of work that makes you happier than to look only at a high income. Secondly, doing what you like keeps you motivated and therefore leads to a career growth. In other words, there is a strong relation between work satisfaction and productivity. People who love their jobs can easily excel in their fields of work and achieve better results than those, who put a salary in the first place. For instance, Henry Miller decided to leave his everyday job despite a good wage and ventured to become a writer. To conclude, I strongly believe that work happiness is more beneficial than high wage because it makes people happy and motivated.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that it is more advantageous to choose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wage, even if it doesn't appeal to you at all. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that career satisfaction is much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than earnings.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction gives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
a sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
that no money can guarantee. Even if someone is earning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
feels tensed and compromises with his conscience, this person won’t enjoy his life. While pursuing one’s interests will always bring pleasure and a feeling of achievement.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
researchers made their career choices, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of appealing wages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were passionate about science. That’s why it’s more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to choose the kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
you happier than to look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income.

Secondly
, doing what you like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
you motivated and
therefore
leads to a career growth.
In other words
, there is a strong relation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
satisfaction and productivity.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can
easily
excel in their fields of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and achieve better results than those, who put a salary in the
first
place.
For instance
, Henry Miller decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
his everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
despite a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
wage and ventured to become a writer.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
happiness is more beneficial than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
happy and motivated.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Doctors these days are saying people are not getting enough physical exercise. What do you think are the problem of this trend? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
238 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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