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do you think that television programs, movies and video games influence young people's behavior? v.1

do you think that television programs, movies and video games influence young people's behavior? v. 1
Idle hours of the kids are considered to be more academic by few individuals, or else they treat that time as useless. I completely disagree with this statement, in my opinion, free time is never useless. This essay I am going to provide reasons for the same. Firstly, children should enhance their academic skills to succeed in their career. However, kids not only need advancement in their studies, but also they should acquire other talents such as cognitive intelligence and motor skills. Therefore, if the children are forced to concentrate on the scholastic education only, then they will certainly diminish in their physical and mental growth. For instance, In a recent survey conducted at Canadian House, revealed astonishing facts about the general IQ in kids. It was diminished by 10 percent every year. Secondly, extracurricular activities are crucial for the kids in order to keep them fit in terms of physical and mental aspects. Otherwise, they will be over-stressed and could get prone to various health issues. I have seen one such incident recently in my home town, where 3 years old kid was admitted to hospital due to overload at school. Later, school-authorities were questioned regarding the same by the Law. In conclusion, I strongly believe that adequate amount of leisure time should be granted to the children always. This change will certainly nurture the kid physically as well as mentally. Eventually, it leads to the their development positively in all the aspects of life. Ultimately, this enhances the growth of the nation too.
Idle hours of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are considered
to be more academic by few individuals, or else they treat that time as useless. I completely disagree with this statement, in my opinion, free time is never useless. This essay I am going to provide reasons for the same.

Firstly
, children should enhance their academic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to succeed in their career.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need advancement in their studies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they should acquire other talents such as cognitive intelligence and motor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, if the children
are forced
to concentrate on the scholastic education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, then they will
certainly
diminish in their physical and mental growth.
For instance
, In a recent survey conducted at Canadian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
House
, revealed astonishing facts about the general IQ in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. It
was diminished
by 10 percent every year.

Secondly
, extracurricular activities are crucial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them fit in terms of physical and mental aspects.
Otherwise
, they will be over-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
prone to various health issues. I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
one such incident recently in my home town, where 3 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
was admitted
to hospital due to overload at school. Later, school-authorities
were questioned
regarding the same by the Law.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that adequate amount of leisure time should
be granted
to the children
The adverb 'always' is usually not used at the end of a sentence.
always
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
will
certainly
nurture the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
physically
as well
as mentally.
Eventually
, it leads to
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their development" or "the development"?
the their development
positively
in all the aspects of life.
Ultimately
, this enhances the growth of the nation too.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay do you think that television programs, movies and video games influence young people's behavior? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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