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Do you think that opinion of celebrities, famous entertainer and athletes are more important on young people than they are on older people. ? v.1

Do you think that opinion of celebrities, famous entertainer and athletes are more important on young people than they are on older people. ? v. 1
The trend of switching jobs is becoming more popular among the youngsters because of several factors which have more merits over the demerits. This essay will explain how they are gaining importance for changing the industry. To begin with the significant advantage is that people are getting a wide range of experience when they switched their jobs. Because they get to work with the latest technology as well as different working culture. For instance, one employee is currently working with web based company which only use the HTML language. However after changing to a new company which use more advanced language, such as JAVA, BOOTSTRAP, employees will get experience to learn new languages to build a website. Moreover, switching jobs can be beneficial in terms of hike in the pay scale. Generally, being in the same organization, employees will get only 2-5% increment. While, in the new firm employees have more chance to get a higher package compare to current one. In addition, there are more likely to get promotion in their position because it takes more years to get promoted in the same organization. For example, if you are working as an executive, there might be a chance to get an offer at a senior level position in different corporate. Nevertheless, there is a one drawback of switching jobs in different firm that is to build a trust among the employers and other higher body. It will become challenging to start with the new responsibilities with the new environment. However, that depends upon the individual's skills. Some people who are highly skilled can make this in a few months. All in all there are more benefits in terms of money as well as status in the organisation compare too few challenges which usually faced in every company.
The trend of switching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
is becoming more popular among the youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of several factors which have more merits over the demerits. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
how they are gaining importance for changing the industry.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the significant advantage is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting a wide range of experience when they switched their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to work with the latest technology
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
working culture.
For instance
, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
is
currently
working with web based
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the HTML language.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
after changing to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
more advanced language, such as JAVA, BOOTSTRAP,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
experience to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
languages to build a website.

Moreover
, switching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can be beneficial in terms of hike in the pay scale.
Generally
, being in the same organization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
2-5% increment.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
firm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
have more chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a higher package compare to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
one.
In addition
, there are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotion in their position
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it takes more years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promoted in the same organization.
For example
, if you are working as an executive, there might be a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an offer at a senior level position in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
corporate.

Nevertheless
, there is a one drawback of switching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
firm
that is
to build a trust among the employers and other higher body. It will become challenging to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
responsibilities with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
environment.
However
, that depends upon the individual's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are
highly
skilled can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this in a few months.

All in all there are more benefits in terms of money
as well
as status in the
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisation
compare too few challenges which
usually
faced in every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you think that opinion of celebrities, famous entertainer and athletes are more important on young people than they are on older people. ? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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