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Do you think that opinion of celebrities, famous entertainer and athletes are more important on young people than they are on older people. ? v.2

Do you think that opinion of celebrities, famous entertainer and athletes are more important on young people than they are on older people. ? v. 2
This topic asked whether or not the notions of celebrities, famous entertainers and athletes are crucial to youngster than elderly people. Certainly, some people if asked would agree with this statement due to they have voluminous impact only young individuals, while others would mention that question depends on a great deal of factors, for instance, someone may hold the view that importance of their ideas is tantamount for everyone compared to previous sentiment. As far as I am concerned, I adopt a firm position that their views do have greater influence and importance on young people than older people. The first reason coming to mind substantiating my stand point is concerned with this issue that aims and capabilities that younger people possess. People at early ages are always looking for right path toward bright future. Famous people play such an important role in their decision. The best example that fit this notion is my own experience. Years ago, I was so despaired regarding my future, most of the time, I was considering what to do, how is the life going to be for me so on, till I saw the renowned scholar on t. v show, who was giving the lecture about how to be organized and planned individual to succeed in the future. He is the only one who brought me to be an industrious manager at one of the reputable company in my country. It goes without saying that, principally, youngsters are inclined toward adoption of notions from famed individuals who might lead them to be successful. Another vital reason which deserves some word here is that weakness of younger individuals associated with prominent people. It is important to consider that we may hardly observe elderly people who are dying to see or watch them. A vivid example can be given to shed light on the subject is my own younger brother. He is big fan of Hussein Bold. Whenever he sees him on t. v, on billboard at the road side begins to show extreme emotions. Last week, Hussein Bold was seen on t. v advertisement, which was introduction of a new nike shoe, engendered him to try to persuade my father to buy until late midnight. Without a shadow of doubt, I have never witnessed an old person in that kind of manner in my life. Having considered all the aforementioned grounds discussed above, I am of the opinion that it is crystal clear that ideas of famous people are highly effective as well as critically influential on youngsters than elderly people. Therefore, there is no doubt that I disagree about significance on older ones.
This topic asked
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
the notions of celebrities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
entertainers and athletes are crucial to youngster than elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Certainly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
if asked would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement due to they have voluminous impact
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
, while others would mention that question depends on a great deal of factors,
for instance
, someone may hold the view that importance of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
is tantamount for everyone compared to previous sentiment. As far as I
am concerned
, I adopt a firm position that their views do have greater influence and importance on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

The
first
reason coming to mind substantiating my stand point
is concerned
with this issue that aims and capabilities that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
possess.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
at early ages are always looking for right path toward bright future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
play such an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in their decision. The best example that fit this notion is my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience. Years ago, I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
despaired regarding my future, most of the time, I was considering what to do, how is the life going to be for me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, till I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
the renowned scholar on t. v
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was giving the lecture about how to
be organized
and planned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
to succeed in the future. He is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
brought me to be an industrious manager at one of the reputable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in my country. It goes without saying that,
principally
, youngsters
are inclined
toward adoption of notions from famed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
might lead them to be successful.

Another vital reason which deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
word here is that weakness of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
associated with prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider that we may hardly observe elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are dying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
them. A vivid example can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to shed light on the subject is my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
younger brother. He is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fan of Hussein Bold. Whenever he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
him on t. v, on billboard at the road side
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
extreme emotions. Last week, Hussein Bold was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on t. v advertisement, which was introduction of a new
Possible spelling mistake found.
nike
shoe, engendered him to try to persuade my father to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
until late midnight. Without a shadow of doubt, I have never witnessed an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
person in that kind of manner in my life.

Having considered all the aforementioned grounds discussed above, I am of the opinion that it is crystal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
effective
as well
as
critically
influential on youngsters than elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
, there is no doubt that I disagree about significance on older ones.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you think that opinion of celebrities, famous entertainer and athletes are more important on young people than they are on older people. ? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
439 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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