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Do you think that money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered? v.1

Do you think that money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered? v. 1
In the modern times, many people believe that money is a significant factor while choosing a career since, they are responsible for their family needs. Although there are other factors involved in when a person takes up a job, in my opinion, money should be prioritized and it is important to meet up the basic necessities of life. It is true that money is needed in this materialistic world to fulfill each one’s basic requirements. In other words, today people leads a standardized life comparing to the past, which demands a great amount of money. The lifestyle of Indians, for instance, has changed considerably over the past decade. Consequently, forcing the citizens to earn and save more to uplift the present lifestyle. Apart from this, status also plays an important role, which means a person who has luxurious house, vehicles, and other gadgets instantly helps him to earn a lot of respect from others. Therefore, when a person opt a career he intentionally look for the mandatory benefits. Despite the above mentioned factors, other aspects of a job also should be given importance. After all, people need happiness to lead a peaceful life and passion towards one’s job destines one’s job satisfaction to certain extent. Moreover, peaceful working environment and personal safety are also mandatory to have a smooth career life. To illustrate, many MNC’s in Bangalore and other metro cities in India offer attractive remunerations, but sometimes they failed to assure their staffs personal safety. Such instances clearly prove that there are other factors which need to be considered while choosing a job. In conclusion, many consider parks and other privileges are in the precedence when entering into a profession due to their responsibility towards family members. I agree that money is an essential factor in this modern age. However, there are other factors, which should also be given importance.
In the modern times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
while choosing a career since, they are responsible for their family needs. Although there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
involved in when a person takes up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be prioritized
and it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of life.

It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is needed
in this materialistic world to fulfill each one’s basic requirements. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
leads
a standardized life comparing to the past, which demands a great amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. The lifestyle of Indians,
for instance
, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
considerably
over the past decade.
Consequently
, forcing the citizens to earn and save more to uplift the present lifestyle. Apart from this, status
also
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role, which means a person who has luxurious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, vehicles, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
gadgets
instantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
him to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
respect from others.
Therefore
, when a person
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "opts".
opt
a career he
intentionally
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "looks", "looked".
look
for the mandatory benefits.

Despite the above mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
also
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
importance.
After all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need happiness to lead a peaceful life and passion towards one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
destines one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction to certain extent.
Moreover
, peaceful working environment and personal safety are
also
mandatory to have a smooth career life. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNC
’s in Bangalore and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
metro cities in India offer attractive remunerations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they failed to assure their staffs personal safety. Such instances
clearly
prove that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
which need to
be considered
while choosing a job.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
consider parks and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
privileges are in the precedence when entering into a profession due to their responsibility towards family members. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
in this modern age.
However
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
, which should
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
importance.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you think that money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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