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Do you think that modern technology, such as the internet and computers will ever replace the book or the written word as the main source of information? Give reasons for your answer using your own ideas and experience. v.4

Do you think that modern technology, such as the internet and computers will ever replace the book or the written word as the main source of information? v. 4
It is true that some highly accomplished staffs with academic qualifications and practical skills in their major are liable to go abroad for a career. This essay will demonstrate some triggers and adversities engendered by this phenomenon. Many support the view that highly talented professionals aspire to work overseas for two main reasons. Firstly, in many enhancing countries, the authorities do not have suficient powers and recognitions for their contribution. Only by getting an international work exposure, can people live with a satisfactory salary and promotion opportunities. For instance, Vietnamese government remunerates for doctors who are in the highest place of the hierarchy is ten times lower than in America. Only when transform to a more developing nations can they have a high living standard in order to subsidize their family. Furthermore, many people migrate to other countries for career because of a creative and professional working environment. Should we have an invigorating workplace, working efficiency will be advanced. On the contrary, one of the main adverse effects caused by this phenomenon of brain drain is that it deprives the local population of first-rate services in the area specialize in science and technology. This correlated to such an exodus of much of intellectual employees creates a serious labour shortage in their country. For example, the number of doctors available in India per million people is a dismal 500, whereas, in the USA there are 2300 doctors to cater to a population of a million. Moreover, the vanishing of veterans will diminish the intellectual standard of the society because young generation is contingent on the knowledge and experience that their older generations propagate. In conclusion, many people who adept at working choose to alter another country for better work opportunities and quality of life. However, this trend causes any matters such as brain drain and the alleviation of intellectual standard for the host country.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
highly
accomplished staffs with academic qualifications and practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in their major are liable to go abroad for a career. This essay will demonstrate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
triggers and adversities engendered by this phenomenon.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
support the view that
highly
talented professionals aspire to work overseas for two main reasons.
Firstly
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
enhancing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the authorities do not have
Possible spelling mistake found.
suficient
powers and recognitions for their contribution.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
by getting an international work exposure, can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with a satisfactory salary and promotion opportunities.
For instance
, Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
remunerates for doctors who are in the highest place of the hierarchy is ten times lower than in America.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
when transform to a more developing nations can they have a high living standard in order to subsidize their family.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
migrate to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
for career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a creative and professional working environment. Should we have an invigorating workplace, working efficiency will
be advanced
.

On the contrary
, one of the main adverse effects caused by this phenomenon of brain drain is that it deprives the local population of
first
-rate services in the area specialize in science and technology. This correlated to such an exodus of much of intellectual employees creates a serious
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
shortage in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
For example
, the number of doctors available in India per million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
a dismal 500, whereas, in the USA there are 2300 doctors to cater to a population of a million.
Moreover
, the vanishing of veterans will diminish the intellectual standard of the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young generation is contingent on the knowledge and experience that their older generations propagate.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
A noun should not follow 'who'. Try changing to a verb or maybe to "who is a adept".
who adept
at working choose to alter another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
for better work opportunities and quality of life.
However
, this trend causes any matters such as brain drain and the alleviation of intellectual standard for the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Do you think that modern technology, such as the internet and computers will ever replace the book or the written word as the main source of information? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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