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Do you think it is better to marry before or after the age of 30? Use reasons to support your response. v.1

Do you think it is better to marry before or after the age of 30? Use reasons to support your response. v. 1
People worldwide is following the latest fashion today. I believe that the development of social media and online shops promotes these behaviours and brings a positive trend for the whole human society. Firstly, social media makes people more crazy about following fashion. The businesses, stars and online celebrities use different methods to influence public’s desire of the latest fashion, such as advertisements, selfies, individual performances, live shows and so on which trough the Facebook, YouTube across the world. For example, a web celebrity named Liu, who has more than 3 million followers online. And he shares his ideas and concepts of fashion by the live show and sells certain popular brands online. Moreover, high developed online shopping and express industries help what the people want the truth to come easily. Customers could buy all types of fashion products online worldwide. Therefore, this phenomenon could improve the exchange of different cultures and contribute to economic development internationally. To begin with, people all over the world could make friends and learn diverse knowledge of cultures through the communication of various trendy topics. For instance, the mood is usually congenial when net friends talk about a new hairstyle or the latest season’s clothes, because these topics are often not related to political problems. At the same time, numerous international and domestic online purchase orders bring huge benefits for societies, such as providing jobs, increasing personal and company’s income and more tax revenue of governments. In conclusion, social media and online shopping make human pay more attention to fashion. Thus this phenomenon is a positive development, hence the globalised cultural and economic development will be rapid effected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
worldwide is following the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of social media and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shops promotes these
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
and brings a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend for the whole human society.

Firstly
, social media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more crazy about following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
. The businesses, stars and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
methods to influence public’s desire of the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
, such as advertisements, selfies, individual performances,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on which trough the Facebook, YouTube across the world.
For example
, a web celebrity named Liu, who has more than 3 million followers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
. And he shares his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and concepts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
and sells certain popular brands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
.
Moreover
, high developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping and express industries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want the truth to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
easily
. Customers could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
products
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
worldwide.

Therefore
, this phenomenon could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the exchange of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and contribute to economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
internationally
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all over the world could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends and learn diverse knowledge of cultures through the communication of various trendy topics.
For instance
, the mood is
usually
congenial when net friends talk about a new hairstyle or the latest season’s clothes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these topics are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
not related to political problems. At the same time, numerous international and domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
orders bring huge benefits for societies, such as providing jobs, increasing personal and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s income and more tax revenue of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.

In conclusion
, social media and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
human pay more attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
this phenomenon is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
,
hence
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalised' is British English.
globalised
cultural and economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
will be rapid
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
effected
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you think it is better to marry before or after the age of 30? Use reasons to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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