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Do you think all students should have to study music? Support your opinion with reasons and examples. v.1

Do you think all students should have to study music? Support your opinion with reasons and examples. v. 1
In some school, learning music and learn to play a musical instrument is not necessary. However, in my vintage point, learning to play a musical instrument, for example, the piano, is crucial for primary school students. It gives them early exposure to the arts. What’s more, the learning process is beneficial to a child’s brain development. Researchers and psychologists have proved, time after time, that music makes you smarter, happier, and more productive. Although listening to music is good, actively playing musical instruments is even more useful. Playing a musical instrument helps change the workings of the brain and no doubt improves your cognitive skills. Scans of musicians’ brains have shown that music activates the hippocampus – a crucial component of the brain that optimises brain health, and enhances memory and mood. This gives musicians an academic advantage: but surely, it’s also a reason why students who do not currently play any musical instruments should be encouraged to learn. Learning to play a musical instrument helps shape your personality, which is essential especially for students in junior forms. It teaches them key skills such as how to manage their time, how to be responsible, and how to balance their studies with extracurricular activities. Finally, playing a musical instrument teaches patience and resilience. When students focus on playing a piece of music, their attention span increases – this is definitely a good thing when trying to pay attention in class or studying for an exam. All primary school students should learn to play at least one musical instrument
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
school,
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learning
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music
and learn to
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play
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
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instrument
is not necessary.
However
, in my
Did you mean "vantage point"?
vintage point
,
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learning
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
,
for example
, the piano, is crucial for primary school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. It gives them early exposure to the arts. What’s more, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
process is beneficial to a child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
development. Researchers and psychologists have proved, time after time, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
you smarter, happier, and more productive. Although listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
actively
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instruments
is even more useful.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the workings of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
and no doubt
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
your cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Scans of musicians’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brains
have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
activates the hippocampus
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
a crucial component of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
that
Possible spelling mistake. 'optimises' is British English.
optimises
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
health, and enhances memory and mood. This gives musicians an academic advantage:
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
surely
, it’s
also
a reason why
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students
who do not
currently
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play
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instruments
should
be encouraged
to learn.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Learning
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
shape your personality, which is essential
especially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in junior forms. It teaches them key
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as how to manage their time, how to be responsible, and how to balance their studies with extracurricular activities.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
teaches patience and resilience. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, their attention span increases
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
this is definitely a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing when trying to pay attention in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or studying for an exam. All primary school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should learn to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
at least one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
instrument
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
44Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Do you think all students should have to study music? Support your opinion with reasons and examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
256 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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