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do you prefer to give money for which type of activity: providing food and house for poor peoplegiving money to poor people for starting the small businessmedical care v.2

do you prefer to give money for which type of activity: providing food and house for poor peoplegiving money to poor people for starting the small businessmedical care v. 2
Public servants' personal lives should not be published in printed media. I agree with this statement because, in my opinion, it can deteriorate their performance at work and can ruin their families as well. Firstly, publishing news about politicians' private lives can impact their job performance negatively. Media often blows up only the negative sides of these people's lives and result in public criticizes the concerned politicians regardless how they perform while on duty. Keeping themselves focussed to work amidst critics is difficult and, as a result, it hinders them from achieving a good result. For example, in 1998 the governor of Jakarta did not achieve his administration's targets because he was too busy clarifying news about him marrying his second wife. I believe news outlets should respect politicians' privacy. Secondly, making public servants' personal matters as news headlines can cause broken families. The media not only follow them to create stories, but it also spy their family members. Politicians' children often become their targets because, as other children, they still make mistakes. When their stories get published in papers, many of them cannot bear people's critics and decide to stay away from their parents. The New York Post recently published a story about a politician's daughter who secluded herself to another country because the media spotted her drunk in a pub. In my opinion, politicians' families should be left out from publications. In conclusion, the media should not publish politicians' personal stories in its printed outlets because it can deteriorate their performance at work and it may cause their relationship with other family members broken.
Public servants' personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
should not
be published
in printed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in my opinion, it can deteriorate their performance at work and can ruin their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
as well
.

Firstly
, publishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians'
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
can impact their job performance
negatively
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
blows up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
sides of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and result in public criticizes the concerned politicians regardless how they perform while on duty. Keeping themselves focussed to work amidst critics is difficult and,
as a result
, it hinders them from achieving a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
result.
For example
, in 1998 the governor of Jakarta did not achieve his administration's targets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he was too busy clarifying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
about him marrying his second wife. I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
outlets should respect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians'
privacy.

Secondly
, making public servants' personal matters as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
headlines can cause broken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
follow them to create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
Did you mean "spies"?
spy
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Politicians'
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
become their targets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, as other children, they
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
mistakes. When their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
published in papers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them cannot bear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's critics and decide to stay away from their parents. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
York Post recently published a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
story
about a politician's daughter who secluded herself to another country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
spotted her drunk in a pub. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out from publications.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
should not publish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians'
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
in its printed outlets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can deteriorate their performance at work and it may cause their relationship with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members broken.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay do you prefer to give money for which type of activity: providing food and house for poor peoplegiving money to poor people for starting the small businessmedical care v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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