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Studies suggest that the rise in the consumption of junk foods is the major cause of obesity. Some people argue that this problem can be tackled to a great extent by increasing the price of food items. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Studies suggest that the rise in the consumption of junk foods is the major cause of obesity. Some people argue that this problem can be tackled to a great extent by increasing the price of food items. v. 3
Information sharing as much as possible among scientific researchers, businessmen and academicians, is believed by some to be beneficial to the people involved; however, others disagree that not all data should be distributed without remuneration. I concur with the latter and both views will be discussed in this essay. To begin with, data sharing should be encouraged because it leads to ground discoveries, profound creativity and productivity of a particular field of knowledge. For example, if the medical scientists, drafted from all over the world, had not given out their individual ideas to the creation of the newly discovered Ebola vaccine, the death rate and predicted prevalence rate of the disease, may be the increase in the near future. This may be not be possible if each of these esteemed individuals kept back their contribution. However, the synergy between the profession may be counterproductive if one of the parties involved is insincere; consequently, the relationship becomes parasitic as one eventually gains more than the other. For instance, a businessman, who has shared some unimportant information about his product, gets more from his colleague that gave out the crucial part of his; as a result, his profits and sales may eventually double that of his victim because of the unfair deal. Having described both views, I am of the opinion that the exchange of ideas is beneficial overall; nonetheless, such agreements must have a legal backing such that defaulters will face a legal punishment if found guilty. To illustrate, a university should be fine for a huge amount of money if agreements to exchange new teaching techniques and equipment (for better training of students) is not done assigned in a legal document. In conclusion, it is essential to share ideas among researchers, businesses and in the education section, but this should be done legally to avoid being disadvantaged
Information sharing as much as possible among scientific researchers, businessmen and academicians,
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to be beneficial to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
involved;
however
, others disagree that not all data should
be distributed
without remuneration. I concur with the latter and both views will
be discussed
in this essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, data sharing should
be encouraged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it leads to ground discoveries, profound creativity and productivity of a particular field of knowledge.
For example
, if the medical scientists, drafted from all over the world, had not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
out their individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to the creation of the
newly
discovered Ebola vaccine, the death rate and predicted prevalence rate of the disease, may be the increase in the near future. This may be not
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
possible if each of these esteemed individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
back their contribution.

However
, the synergy between the profession may be counterproductive if one of the parties involved is insincere;
consequently
, the relationship becomes parasitic as one
eventually
gains more than the other.
For instance
, a businessman, who has shared
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unimportant information about his product,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
more from his colleague that gave out the crucial part of his;
as a result
, his profits and sales may
eventually
double that of his victim
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the unfair deal.

Having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
both views, I am of the opinion that the exchange of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
is beneficial
overall
; nonetheless, such agreements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a legal backing such that defaulters will face a legal punishment if found guilty. To illustrate, a university should be fine for a huge amount of money if agreements to exchange new teaching techniques and equipment (for better training of students) is not done assigned in a legal document.

In conclusion
, it is essential to share
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
among researchers, businesses and in the education section,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this should
be done
legally
to avoid
being disadvantaged
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Studies suggest that the rise in the consumption of junk foods is the major cause of obesity. Some people argue that this problem can be tackled to a great extent by increasing the price of food items. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
306 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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