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Do you prefer high-salary jobs that require you to leave your family and friends or low-salary jobs that allow you to stay with your family and friends? v.1

Do you prefer high-salary jobs that require you to leave your family and friends or low-salary jobs that allow you to stay with your family and friends? v. 1
There is no doubt that many people are dependent on technology as we are surrounded by technical devices when we are in our offices or at our homes. This increase in dependency certainly offers many benefits along with a few demerits. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this increasing dependency on technology and will conclude with my opinion. Firstly, with the arrival of smart gadgets, such as smartphones and computers, we have unlimited access to vast information readily available to us over the internet. This information can be used for various purposes, namely: researching new subjects, finding syntax of a programming language and so on. Besides, the available information is usually correct and accurate because these are constantly validated against various other sources on the internet, and users can correct the facts if they find them inaccurate. A good illustration is Wikipedia, which not only provides factual information on many subjects but also keeps the information updated. Thus, technology has opened gates for many people to a very large pool of validated information. On the other hand, technology has made people spend more time on computers and smartphones. This over-use of devices could have several detrimental effects on its users. For instance, people often complain about the dry-eyes problems, and in extreme cases some reports that their vision power is badly affected due to the use of bright screens of devices. Therefore, with the advent of technology, there came some drawbacks as well. In conclusion, technological advancements undoubtedly offer us the access to unlimited information and I opine that by limiting the use and time spent on several electronic gadgets, we can easily prevent the side effects of the technological advancements.
There is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
as we
are surrounded
by technical devices when we are in our offices or at our homes. This increase in dependency
certainly
offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits along with a few demerits. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this increasing dependency on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and will conclude with my opinion.

Firstly
, with the arrival of smart gadgets, such as smartphones and computers, we have unlimited access to vast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
readily
available to us over the internet. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for various purposes,
namely
: researching new subjects, finding syntax of a programming language and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Besides
, the available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is
usually
correct and accurate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these are
constantly
validated against various other sources on the internet, and users can correct the facts if they find them inaccurate. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration is Wikipedia, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provides factual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
subjects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
updated.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has opened gates for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
large pool of validated information.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend more time on computers and smartphones. This over-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of devices could have several detrimental effects on its users.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
complain about the dry-eyes problems, and in extreme cases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reports that their vision power is
badly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of bright screens of devices.
Therefore
, with the advent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, there came
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks
as well
.

In conclusion
, technological advancements
undoubtedly
offer us the access to unlimited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and I opine that by limiting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and time spent on several electronic gadgets, we can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the side effects of the technological advancements.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you prefer high-salary jobs that require you to leave your family and friends or low-salary jobs that allow you to stay with your family and friends? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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