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Do you prefer high-salary jobs that require you to leave your family and friends or low-salary jobs that allow you to stay with your family and friends? v.2

Do you prefer high-salary jobs that require you to leave your family and friends or low-salary jobs that allow you to stay with your family and friends? v. 2
When it comes to the issue the best way of life, some people believe that working for long hours and make more money allow us to have a better life. However, others think that we should pay more attention to our family. As far as I am concerned, te last point carries more weight. I take this position into account for the following reasons. The first and most important reason is that the main aim of living is to enjoy it not make money. I think that there is not a better example than my experience when I was youngest. At that time, I had been working for ABS, an electronic company, as a manager for ten years. It required a lot of extra time. So, I have to decline my vacations and weekends for doing my obligations as best as possible. Of course, I admit that its high payments motived me to continue this trend. Although I hoped to make a comfortable life for my family, they annoyed of that situation. They consistently complain that I do not allocate enough time for them. Eventually, my wife left me. I now detected that I was seeking other employment to give me quality time with my family. Another subtle point we must consider is that working for long hours decrease the laborers' proficiency. Latest findings demonstrate working for more than six hours per day can enhance the working faults for thirty percent. Therefore, you can gain more money by allocating much time a day for working, while you have to pay much for compensating your mistakes. I think that a small example can give some light on this issue. In modern countries, the teachers are not allowed to work more than twenty hours per week. Indeed, they know that a teacher will have the effective teaching for certain working time of a week. A teacher who works more than standard hours will feel tired and never could teach properly. In addition, teachers have to spend vacations with their family, because it refills them with fresh energy to continue their duties. All above evidence supports this fact that we should devote more time for our family. Working for long hours can not help us to succeed in our business and life. Finally, I hope that people gain the deeper insight of the main goal of living.
When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the issue the best way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
us to have a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we should pay more attention to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. As far as I
am concerned
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
te
last point carries more weight. I take this position into account for the following reasons.

The
first
and most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that the main aim of living is to enjoy it not
Did you mean "makes"?
make
money. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there is not a better example than my experience when I was youngest. At that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, I had been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for ABS, an electronic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, as a manager for ten years. It required
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
decline my vacations and weekends for doing my obligations as
Did you mean "good"?
best
as possible.
Of course
, I admit that its high payments
Possible spelling mistake found.
motived
me to continue this trend. Although I hoped to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, they annoyed of that situation. They
consistently
complain that I do not allocate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for them.
Eventually
, my wife
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
me. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
detected that I was seeking other employment to give me quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with my family.

Another subtle point we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consider is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
decrease the
Possible spelling mistake found.
laborers&
#039; proficiency.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
findings demonstrate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for more than six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day can enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
faults for thirty percent.
Therefore
, you can gain more money by allocating much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
a day for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, while you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay much for compensating your mistakes. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
example can give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on this issue. In modern countries, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work more than twenty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per week.
Indeed
, they know that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
will have the effective teaching for certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of a week. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
who works more than standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
will feel tired and never could teach
properly
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend vacations with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it refills them with fresh energy to continue their duties.

All above evidence supports this fact that we should devote more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to succeed in our business and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Finally
, I hope that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
gain the deeper insight of the main goal of living.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you prefer high-salary jobs that require you to leave your family and friends or low-salary jobs that allow you to stay with your family and friends? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
394 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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