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Task 4: Using the professor's examples, explain the advertising technique of target marketing. v.1

Task 4: Using the professor's examples, explain the advertising technique of target marketing. v. 1
Working for an organisation for a long time depends on the various factors. Some people say that the money is the main reason, but others believe that it depends on the other factors also. In the following paragraphs, I advocate my disagreement with this statement First of all, although, it cannot be denied that funds plays an important role in everyone's life and it is one of the factors for working with the same organisation for a longer period, but, there are several other reasons that can motivate a person to stay in the same company. One of the factors is the job satisfaction, people always wanted to do a job with an employer, which can increase their technical skills on a continuous basis, so they don't mind even if they are not earning more. To add further, some people at the mid management level often don't like to switch jobs. As they are in such an age where they have to maintain balance between their social and professional aspects and changing a job for the sake of money, may disturb their social life. Furthermore, some people have a location constraint, as a result of which, they may stick to the same company. Also, working for the same company overs the years, may help you in getting to the senior position in the same organisation. To conclude, working for the same employer over longer period of time depends on the factors like continuous upgradation of skills, balancing social life and the location constraint rather than money, although, it is important but not the only factor.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
for an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
for a long time depends on the various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that the money is the main reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others believe that it depends on the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
also
. In the following paragraphs, I advocate my disagreement with this
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
statement


This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, although, it cannot
be denied
that funds plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in everyone's life and it is one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with the same
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
for a longer period,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, there are several other reasons that can motivate a person to stay in the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. One of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always wanted to do a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with an employer, which can increase their technical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
on a continuous basis,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they don't mind even if they are not earning more.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
further
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at the mid management level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
don't like to switch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. As they are in such an age where they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
maintain balance between their social and professional aspects and changing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for the sake of money, may disturb their social life.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a location constraint,
as a result
of which, they may stick to the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
overs the years, may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you in getting to the senior position in the same
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the same employer over longer period of time depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like continuous
Possible spelling mistake found.
upgradation
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, balancing social life and the location constraint
rather
than money, although, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Task 4: Using the professor's examples, explain the advertising technique of target marketing. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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