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Some people believe that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion. v.1

Some people believe that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. with this opinion. v. 1
Owing to the advancement in the technology, the way of living has been modified. As compared to the past, families are not in a close connection to each other. This is due to, because everyone wants to achieve their own goals in a limited time. This can be prevented by the involvement of the higher authorities. Nowadays, people do not choose the idea of living together. This is because, they want to fulfil their own basic necessities and the luxuries as soon as possible. As a result, they deter from taking the responsibility of the whole family. As an illustration, my elder brother wanted a separation from the family, because he wanted to utilize all of his income on his offspring. Consequently, he refused to take the responsibilities of his siblings. Hence, the self seeking behaviours of the individual is the main reason of destruction of the family system. This issue can be tackled by the involvement of the administrative authorities. The government must implement rules and regulations to create a healthy bond among the family members. For instance, the government of Pakistan has mandated every married individual to live with their family to obtain the benefits of a government job. Furthermore, the national television channels should create awareness regarding the health related advantages of living in an extended family. Therefore, the role of the higher authorities is crucial in making people closer to each other. To conclude, in this modern era, the way people choose to live has been changed. In the past, families were attached to each other, however, now it is not common. This is due to selfish acts of many, who want to obtain their own achievements. This issue can be resolved by the active participation of the higher authorities. This trend will decrease in the foreseeable future
Owing to the advancement in the technology, the way of living has
been modified
. As compared to the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are not in a close connection to each other. This is due to,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone wants to achieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
goals in a limited time. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by the involvement of the higher authorities.

Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not choose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of living together. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they want to fulfil their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
and the luxuries as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.
As a result
, they deter from taking the responsibility of the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. As an illustration, my elder brother wanted a separation from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he wanted to utilize all of his income on his offspring.
Consequently
, he refused to take the responsibilities of his siblings.
Hence
, the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self seeking
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
of the individual is the main reason of destruction of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
system.

This issue can
be tackled
by the involvement of the administrative authorities. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
implement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations to create a healthy bond among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
For instance
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of Pakistan has mandated every married individual to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to obtain the benefits of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
job.
Furthermore
, the national television channels should create awareness regarding the health related advantages of living in an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Therefore
, the role of the higher authorities is crucial in making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
closer to each other.

To conclude
, in this modern era, the way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
were attached
to each other,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it is not common. This is due to selfish acts of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, who want to obtain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
achievements. This issue can
be resolved
by the active participation of the higher authorities.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
This
trend will decrease in the foreseeable
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
future
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people believe that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. with this opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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