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Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people? v.2

Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people? v. 2
From my viewpoint, young people are influenced by the grown-up people's behaviour in many cases. They also mimic their favourite actors, singers, sportspersons and that is why professional sportsmen or sportswomen have to pay more attention to their attitudes and they should be aware of how they affect youth's lives. Athletes are the people who are being observed by many people from all over the world and this popularity means responsibility. Consequently what I meant with responsibility is how sports people behave in their daily life. In one hand, engaging with sport might even make every man or women stronger and healthier. Namely, youth who are watching sport will be encouraged by athletes' health and also the lifestyle. Furthermore, they will become more eager to being athletes. On the other hand, despite these athletes who have undeniably good lifestyle and health, undoubtedly there are also sports people who have a vast popularity but haven't got a bit of ethic. In spite of their bulk money, they waste the money whimsically. But they don't choose to do a charity instead. So it is evident that these people's lifestyle cannot be a prime example for youth. Thus professional athletes should not neglect their daily life and must take their role on youth into account. Again, the way they appear in front of media, they fashion trends that follow and the way they speak or behave are often mimicked by people. They are already role models for many and they can positively influence others, especially the young generation. A new hairstyle by David Beckham would definitely become a fashion trend among many youngsters. They can definitely become the role model of many young people especially who have passions for sports. The good example the sports persons set through personal life, appearance, charity works can create a very positive image to others and thus they have a greater influence on the young generation. To sum up, in spite of the youth can be easily manipulated by other people, the professional athletes through their works and behaviours can set positive examples and can become role models for the young generation.
From my viewpoint,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are influenced
by the grown-up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases. They
also
mimic their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
actors, singers,
Possible spelling mistake found.
sportspersons
and
that is
why professional sportsmen or sportswomen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more attention to their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
attitudes and
they should be aware of how they affect youth's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Athletes are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
being observed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all over the world and this popularity means responsibility.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Consequently
what I meant with responsibility is how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
behave in their daily life. In one hand, engaging with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
might even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
or women stronger and healthier.
Namely
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
will
be encouraged
by athletes' health and
also
the lifestyle.
Furthermore
, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more eager to
With 'eager to', use the base form of the verb: "be".
being
athletes.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, despite these athletes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
undeniably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
lifestyle and health,
undoubtedly
there are
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a vast popularity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
haven't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a bit of ethic.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
their bulk money, they waste the money
whimsically
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they don't choose to do a charity
instead
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is evident that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's lifestyle cannot be a prime example for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
professional athletes should not neglect their daily life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
into account.

Again, the way they appear in front of media, they fashion trends that follow and the way they speak or behave are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
mimicked by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They are already
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
models for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
many and
they can
positively
influence others,
especially
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation. A new hairstyle by David Beckham would definitely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a fashion trend among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters. They can definitely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
model of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have passions for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons set through personal life, appearance, charity works can create a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
image to others and
thus
they have a greater influence on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
can be
easily
manipulated by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the professional athletes through their works and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
can set
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
examples and can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
models for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
355 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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