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Do you agree that should we start creating more devices to improve our body perception of the world? v.1

Do you agree that should we start creating more devices to improve our body perception of the world? v. 1
Nowadays, an increasing number of technologies in our lives have been raised rapidly. A lot of people believe that technology can help them find them out more about the perception of the world. Although I agree that technology help us in many aspects, but I do believe that we should not create more devices can help people improve our body perception of the world There are various reasons why some devices can help improve disabled people’s lives. Firstly, the deaf can listen to music by VIBEAT. The device is a wearable necklace and bracelet that translate music into vibrations, thus conveying the feeling of music through an alternative sensory system. Or a small electronic device is a cochlear implant that can help people hear. Through these devices, people have a chance to live like normal people, even they have some troubles in life. Secondly, some devices can help us relax and see how interesting your soul and or your brain work. For example, a headset can read our brainwaves. As a result, instead of suffering from weaknesses such as deaf, blind, so on can have an experience like normal people thank to some devices. However, there are some disadvantages of relying on technology. If we imagine that everyone depends on these devices to enhance their body perception, they will not need any help from others. Consequently, It is also the reason of lacking of interaction between people and people. Plus, these tools are expensive to buy or create. We can boost our
Nowadays, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
have
been raised
rapidly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them find them out more about the perception of the world. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
us in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do believe that we should not create more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our body perception of the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
world


There are various reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
disabled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Firstly
, the deaf can listen to music by
Possible spelling mistake found.
VIBEAT
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
is a wearable necklace and bracelet that translate music into vibrations,
thus
conveying the feeling of music through an alternative sensory system. Or a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
is a cochlear implant that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hear. Through these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
like normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, even they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
troubles in life.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
us relax and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how interesting your soul and or your brain work.
For example
, a headset can read our brainwaves.
As a result
,
instead
of suffering from weaknesses such as deaf, blind,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on can have an experience like normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
thank to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
devices.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of relying on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. If we imagine that everyone depends on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
to enhance their body perception, they will not need any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
from others.
Consequently
, It is
also
the reason of lacking of interaction between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Plus, these tools are expensive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
or create. We can boost
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
our
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Do you agree that should we start creating more devices to improve our body perception of the world? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
251 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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