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Do you agree that individuals are responsible for their own happiness or it depends on the factors of the person's life? v.1

Do you agree that individuals are responsible for their own happiness or it depends on the factors of the person's life? v. 1
To a large extent individuals are responsible for their own joy and more or less it depends on the individual's mindset, but at the same time, anyone cannot completely ignore the fact that there can be several external factors as well that can play major role in deciding the mood of a somebody and how they are feeling. If somebody decides that he/she will be happy always no matter what, they start finding delight in every small events of life. They start getting amused and happy with each and everything they come across whether the thing is as small and insignificant as their child giving them a smile or a rainbow in the sky. Everything turns meaningful and source of contentment for anyone who wants to enjoy life. In the same way, if somebody is about sadistic mindset he/she cannot ever be happy. For instances, if they would get a pay rise of 20% they will rather be sad about not getting 30% rise. Apart from mindset other factors also has a role to play in one's pleasure. This could be anything from poverty, betrayal from partner, death of some near and dear one to getting divorced. If a person is hungry and poverty stricken, he/she cannot be happy even if that individual wants to. The pain and agony they go through when they lose their beloved does not allow them to be happy. When situations are not in their favour no matter how hard they try to be happy they cannot be. So in my opinion, it depends on an individual if they want to be happy by enjoying every small moments that provide them peace of mind or just want to regret and be sad about what they do not have. But yes external factors too are an indispensable part of everyone's life and we cannot ignore their significant role in deciding the state of mind of that particular person.
To a large extent individuals are responsible for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
joy and more or less it depends on the individual's mindset,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time, anyone cannot completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the fact that there can be several external factors
as well
that can play major role in deciding the mood of a somebody and how they are feeling.

If somebody decides that he/she will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
always no matter what, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
finding delight in every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
of life. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
getting amused and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
with each and everything they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
across whether the thing is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
and insignificant as their child giving them a smile or a rainbow in the sky. Everything turns meaningful and source of contentment for anyone who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wants
to enjoy life.
In the same way
, if somebody is about sadistic mindset he/she cannot ever be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. For instances, if they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a pay rise of 20% they will
rather
be sad about not getting 30% rise.

Apart from mindset other factors
also
has a role to play in one's pleasure. This could be anything from poverty, betrayal from partner, death of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
near and dear one to getting divorced. If a person is hungry and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
poverty stricken
, he/she cannot be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
even if that individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wants
to. The pain and agony they go through when they lose their beloved does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
situations are not in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
no matter how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
they try to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
they cannot be.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in my opinion, it depends on an individual if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
by enjoying every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
moments that provide them peace of mind or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to regret and be sad about what they do not have.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
yes external factors too are an indispensable part of everyone's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their significant role in deciding the state of mind of that particular person.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you agree that individuals are responsible for their own happiness or it depends on the factors of the person's life? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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