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Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.3

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. with this opinion? v. 3
Money is an important aspect in the life of human beings. Having large amount of money makes life easier because first, children would not work hard to receive higher education and second, they will face problems regarding a secured career in the future. Thus I believe children will not be prepared to deal with the challenges faced in adulthood. Growing up in a wealthy family, a child will not grow to be diligent in school for higher education in the future. Based on a study conducted in the University of Ohio, 85% of the children who received a Bachelor degree in 2017 are those who grew up with financial limitation. These graduates had to depend on themselves from an early age if they hoped for admissions in universities, they devote time and effort to get outstanding grades and scholarships so therefore become independent and better prepared to deal with obstacles faced in adulthood. On the other hand, children growing up in wealthy households will not worry about studying hard to receive a scholarship, as their parents will secure their higher education. These children will grow dependent on their parents and will not be able to deal with problems of adult life. Depending financially on parents, children will face difficulties in obtaining a job in the future. Throughout their lives, children brought up by wealthy parents are often spoiled, do not need to work hard therefore slack on gaining their own income. Whereas children growing up with low amount of money will thrive to get a well-paid career to help their parents and themselves. For instance, billionaire football player Cristiano Ronaldo grew up in a poor home, he had determination to help his parents and aspired for a better future. In conclusion, I believe that children who grow up in rich households are not able to face challenges in adulthood, unlike those children who grow up with financial limitation. Children with limitation thrive to secure their future and are well prepared for the adult life.
Money is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect in the life of human beings. Having large amount of money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
life easier
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
first
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would not work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to receive higher education and second, they will face problems regarding a secured career in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not
be prepared
to deal with the challenges faced in adulthood.

Growing up in a wealthy family, a child will not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grow
to be diligent in school for higher education in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. Based on a study conducted in the University of Ohio, 85% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
received a Bachelor degree in 2017 are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
grew up with financial limitation. These graduates had to depend on themselves from an early age if they hoped for admissions in universities, they devote time and effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
outstanding grades and scholarships
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
therefore
become independent and better prepared to deal with obstacles faced in adulthood.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
growing up in wealthy households will not worry about studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to receive a scholarship, as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will secure their higher education. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grow
dependent on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and will not be able to deal with problems of adult life.

Depending
financially
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will face difficulties in obtaining a job in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. Throughout their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
brought up by wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
spoiled, do not need to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
therefore
slack on gaining their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
income. Whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
growing up with low amount of money will thrive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a well-paid career to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and themselves.
For instance
, billionaire football player Cristiano Ronaldo grew up in a poor home, he had determination to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and aspired for a better future.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grow
up in rich households are not able to face challenges in adulthood, unlike those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grow
up with financial limitation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
with limitation thrive to secure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
and are
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well prepared
for the adult life.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. with this opinion? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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