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The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.11

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. with this statement? v. 11
Many believe that the overall human well-being is decreasing in the forthcoming compared to the current statistics. I believe that through the influence of social media and the developing encouragement of schools forcing physical education classes alongside other physical activities, people are becoming more aware of their fitness. Moreover, I disagree, because due to that, the well-being will be more likely to improve in the prospective. Social media influences the people to start caring for their well-being. Most people, in all age groups, have access to the internet and are well aware of what is harmful for their strength. As social media are developing everyday I reckon its influence will increase in the eventual. A statistic conducted in The United States of America illustrated that 85% of those who are signed in the local gyms are those who imitate celebrities. Despite social media having a major effect on watching one's weight, it could also cause depression to those unable to balance their eating habits. However it does raise awareness and provide positive support for others. Schools are increasing well-being awareness by Physical Education subjects and sports activities. Many schools in have a compulsory rule, that in order to pass you must take at least 17 hours of PE each year. If we continue on this road, the subsequent seems promising regarding strength awareness. A study conducted at The University of Ohio, showed that children who grow doing PE at school carry the passion of sports with them to college. This shows that in the prospective peoples fitness will increase. In conclusion, as social media development and school's encouragement for students, the people's fitness will improve in the eventual. Unlike suggesting that the well-being standard will decrease, due to the constant support of school and social media.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that the
overall
human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well-being
is decreasing in the forthcoming compared to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
statistics. I believe that through the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and the developing encouragement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
forcing physical education classes alongside other physical activities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming more aware of their fitness.
Moreover
, I disagree,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
due to that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well-being
will be more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
in the prospective.

Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
influences the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
caring for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well-being
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, in all age groups, have access to the internet and are well aware of what is harmful for their strength.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are developing everyday I reckon its influence will increase in the eventual. A statistic conducted in The United States of America illustrated that 85% of those who
are signed
in the local gyms are those who imitate celebrities. Despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
having a major effect on watching one's weight, it could
also
cause depression to those unable to balance their eating habits.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
it does raise awareness and provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
support for others.

Schools are increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well-being
awareness by Physical Education subjects and sports activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in have a compulsory
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
, that in order to pass you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take at least 17 hours of PE each year. If we continue on this road, the subsequent seems promising regarding strength awareness. A study conducted at The University of Ohio,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that children who grow doing PE at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
carry the passion of sports with them to college. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that in the prospective
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "peoples'" or "people's"?
peoples
fitness will increase.

In conclusion
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
development and school's encouragement for students, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's fitness will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
in the eventual. Unlike suggesting that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well-being
standard will decrease, due to the constant support of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. with this statement? v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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