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Do you agree or disagree: young people should try many different kinds of jobs or career before they decide the long term career of their life. v.1

: young people should try many different kinds of jobs or career before they decide the long term career of their life. v. 1
Certain TV shows, violence in video games and recreational activities such as playing cards may prove dangerous to the children. Indulging in these activities may lead to health-related problems, and parents and government intervention could be the most viable solution to deal with these issues. The foremost problem caused by watching the addictive television series, playing video games with aggressive visuals and participating in certain fun games is the detrimental effect on physical and mental health. With regards to physical health, the majority of the children spend most of their time on the TV, indoor and video games by neglecting physical exercise. As a result, they become the victim of child obesity and visionary problems. In addition to this, children try to mimic the adventures of their superheroes at home and end up injuring themselves. For instance, In 2000, after watching the popular Indian fiction series called 'Shaktiman', most of the school children jumped from the skyscrapers with the hope that their superhero Shaktiman would come to rescue them. As far as the mental health of the children is concerned, exposure to the horror programmes at a tender age may scare a child and he may develop a phobia, which sometimes prolongs a whole life. At the same time, playing violent games such as PUB-G, where players kill each other in the virtual world with the guns may pave the way to destructive mindset and negative thinking. To address these problems, parents' involvement in their children's activities and regulating laws by government is imperative. It is the responsibility of the parents to keep a watchful eye on their children and the content they are watching. One way to execute this is to change the privacy settings of the TV channels in their absence. At the same time, they should also teach them to learn the difference between the real and the imaginary world. Parents should also encourage their children to participate in outdoor games and stay active in sports. As for the government role, the administration should restrict the time to broadcast the sensitive content at prime time and must anticipate the consequence of any show before broadcasting it on the television. This is how parents and government could work together to mitigate the aforementioned problems. In conclusion, there might have serious health hazards of some irrelevant content broadcasted on televisions, destructive video games and fun games played by the youngsters. Therefore, it is the respective duty of the parents and government authorities to supervise the children's activities and control the TV content.
Certain TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, violence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as playing cards may prove
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Indulging in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
may lead to health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
intervention could be the most viable solution to deal with these issues.

The foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
caused by watching the addictive television series, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with aggressive visuals and participating in certain fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is the detrimental effect on physical and mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the TV, indoor and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
by neglecting physical exercise.
As a result
, they become the victim of child obesity and visionary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
try to mimic the adventures of their superheroes at home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up injuring themselves.
For instance
, In 2000, after watching the popular Indian fiction series called '
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shaktiman
', most of the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
jumped from the skyscrapers with the hope that their superhero
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shaktiman
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to rescue them. As far as the mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is concerned
, exposure to the horror
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
at a tender age may scare a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
child and
he may develop a phobia, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
prolongs a whole life. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, playing violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as PUB-G, where players kill each other in the virtual world with the guns may pave the way to destructive mindset and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
thinking.

To address these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, parents' involvement in their children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and regulating laws by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is imperative. It is the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a watchful eye on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
they are watching. One way to execute this is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the privacy settings of the TV channels in their absence. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they should
also
teach them to learn the difference between the real and the imaginary world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should
also
encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and stay active in sports. As for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
role, the administration should restrict the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to broadcast the sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
at prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
anticipate the consequence of any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
broadcasting it on the television. This is how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could work together to mitigate the aforementioned problems.

In conclusion
, there might have serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
hazards of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
irrelevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
broadcasted on televisions, destructive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
played by the youngsters.
Therefore
, it is the respective duty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
authorities to supervise the children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and control the TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay : young people should try many different kinds of jobs or career before they decide the long term career of their life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
423 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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