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do you agree or disagree? ? the young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will choose in the long term. v.28

? the young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will choose in the long term. v. 28
On one hand, many people support that paparazzi might stop disturbing celebrities’ personal life by taking their picture without allowance. On the other hand, others say that is a sort of component of being famous. I am going to debate the both idea and support the first one. In my opinion, no one should provoke by pictures of their private life. The latter idea’s supporters indicate that income of fame must have some outcomes which is celebrity’s privacy. When fans read some news or saw some pictures of celebrities, they might think they are not only a fan of a celebrity, but also a part of his or her daily life and this is a normal act. If someone gets fame because of his or her supporters, he or she also might pay back in somehow. I strongly believe that, this kind of invasion of personal life is dangerous for famous people. They can feel profound pressure and stress, which generates anxiety. Celebrities feel that they have to be careful about all their actions to keep their dignity which is a reason of simulated lifestyles. Being famous should not create a desperate lifetime for anyone. Unless they wanted to give pictures, paparazzi might stay away from celebrities’ privacy. That can be end up with an honest and sincere link between celebrities and their fans. Thus, supporters can also be a part of their role model real life if they like. Perhaps when famous people stop acting in their real life, social media will not be a part of fake facts anymore. In conclusion, there are some people who think glory might have a price and others think that is not necessary. I believe, we might criticize our role models with their works in lieu of their private activity.
On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
support that paparazzi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
disturbing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities’
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by taking their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
picture
without allowance.
On the other hand
, others say
that is
a sort of component of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
. I am going to debate the both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and support the
first
one. In my opinion, no one should provoke by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pictures
of their private life.

The latter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
’s supporters indicate that income of fame
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outcomes which is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity’s
privacy. When fans read
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
news or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pictures
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a fan of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a part of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and this is a normal act. If someone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
fame
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
supporters, he or she
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
pay back in somehow. I
strongly
believe that, this kind of invasion of personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They can feel profound pressure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, which generates anxiety.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
feel that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be careful about all their actions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their dignity which is a reason of simulated lifestyles.

Being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
should not create a desperate lifetime for anyone. Unless they wanted to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pictures
, paparazzi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
stay away from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities’
privacy. That can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with an honest and sincere link between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and their fans.
Thus
, supporters can
also
be a part of their role model real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
if they like. Perhaps when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
acting in their real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, social media will not be a part of fake facts anymore.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
glory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have a price
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
not necessary. I believe, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
criticize our role models with their works in lieu of their private activity.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay ? the young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will choose in the long term. v. 28

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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