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13. Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term. v.1

13. Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term. v. 1
The education plays a key role in children's life, both in terms of growing their cognitive abilities and teaching social skills. In this regard, some believe it will be so beneficial for their adult life if they start official education from an early age when they are preschoolers. I disapprove this idea and going to share my standpoint in the following paragraphs. Additionally, my idea has its own supporters as well. When a baby born, he needs to get through different stages in order to be grown in terms of cognitive and physical developments to be able to process varied ideas. In other words, from the aspect of physical activity, they still are not able to act independently. Besides, effective social relations cannot be made by them. Moreover, the immune system of a child is not progressed that well to be confronted with pollution and dirt since children are extremely vulnerable in those ages so that they can be infected easily. On the other hand, some opine if a child can interact with other children when he is in the toddler or preschooler group can make social and interpersonal relations from very young ages as well as having much more time to expand his knowledge; nevertheless, a child must have a fun time as part of his growth journey to become a 7 year old pupil. To sum up, some share the idea that children ought to enjoy 6 years before official education get started to acquire the adequate cognitive and physical developments and so do I. Furthermore, I strongly discourage the idea of commencing school from early ages since it deprives them from normal preparation for getting educated. Though, some believe it will broaden their knowledge and community.
The education plays a key role in children's life, both in terms of growing their cognitive abilities and teaching social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
beneficial for their adult life if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
official education from an early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
when they are preschoolers. I disapprove this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
and going to share my standpoint in the following paragraphs.
Additionally
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
supporters
as well
.

When a baby born, he needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
stages in order to
be grown
in terms of cognitive and physical developments to be able to process varied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
.
In other words
, from the aspect of physical activity, they
still
are not able to act
independently
.
Besides
, effective social relations cannot
be made
by them.
Moreover
, the immune system of a child is not progressed that well to
be confronted
with pollution and dirt since children are
extremely
vulnerable in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
be infected
easily
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opine if a child can interact with other children when he is in the toddler or preschooler group can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
social and interpersonal relations from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
as well
as having much more time to expand his knowledge;
nevertheless
, a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a fun time as part of his growth journey to become a 7 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
pupil.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
share the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
that children ought to enjoy 6 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
official education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to acquire the adequate cognitive and physical developments and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
do I.
Furthermore
, I
strongly
discourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
of commencing school from early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
since it
The usual collocation for "deprives" is "of" not "them". Did you mean "deprives them of"?
deprives them from
normal preparation for getting educated. Though,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe it will broaden their knowledge and community.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 13. Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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