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Do you agree or disagree with this statement? The government is better to pay the budget for building the new projects rather than old buildings. v.6

The government is better to pay the budget for building the new projects rather than old buildings. v. 6
It is debatable whether or not we should accept or attempt to improve an unsatisfactory situation. In my opinion, although accepting situations in life may be pragmatic in some cases, it is still beneficial to at least strive to better the situation. On the one hand, acceptance of facts is sometimes the only way to make people feel more satisfied with their lives. This is especially true for those who are unable to drastically change their situation, particularly if they are at war or experiencing a severe economic downturn. The best example of this would be people living in Syria and Iraq. Considering their war conditions, it would be cruel to suggest that they should find a way to improve their lives when it might simply be impossible. Instead, these people may feel to be better off by accepting that they cannot make any changes to their situation at the present moment and just focus on their own survival and that of their family. On the other hand, I would argue that in even the most difficult situations people can make their lives better through continued effort. Instances of people who worked hard and became successful abound in both developed and developing nations. A relevant example is Yuzhu Shi, an entrepreneur who was known as “the poorest man in China” as his first company owed millions of RMBs to the investors. However, rather than accepting the failure and filing for bankruptcy, he took on the debt himself, learned from his previous mistakes, and restarted another business to sell health supplements. Thanks to his efforts, his second business took off so quickly that he repaid the money in full a few years later. Now he is not only debt-free, but also becomes a billionaire in China. To conclude, there are very few situations where it would be advisable to simply accept an unhappy situation because hard work over a long period will pay off to some degree in the vast majority of cases.
It is debatable
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
we should accept or attempt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
an unsatisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
. In my opinion, although accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
in life may be pragmatic in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, it is
still
beneficial to at least strive to better the situation.

On the one hand, acceptance of facts is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel more satisfied with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This is
especially
true for those who are unable to
drastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
,
particularly
if they are at war or experiencing a severe economic downturn. The best example of this would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in Syria and Iraq. Considering their war conditions, it would be cruel to suggest that they should find a way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
when it might
simply
be impossible.
Instead
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may feel to be better off by accepting that they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
at the present moment and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focus on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
survival and that of their family.

On the other hand
, I would argue that in even the most difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better through continued effort. Instances of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and became successful abound in both developed and developing nations. A relevant example is
Possible spelling mistake found.
Yuzhu
Shi, an entrepreneur who
was known
as “the poorest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in China” as his
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
owed millions of
Possible spelling mistake found.
RMBs
to the investors.
However
,
rather
than accepting the failure and filing for bankruptcy, he took on the debt himself, learned from his previous mistakes, and restarted another business to sell health supplements. Thanks to his efforts, his second business took off
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
quickly
that he repaid the money in full a few years later.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
he is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
debt-free,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
becomes a billionaire in China.

To conclude
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
where it would be advisable to
simply
accept an unhappy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work over a long period will pay off to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree in the vast majority of cases.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The government is better to pay the budget for building the new projects rather than old buildings. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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