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do you agree or disagree with this sentence? to remain happy and optimistic when you fail is more important than achieving success. v.7

with this sentence? to remain happy and optimistic when you fail is more important than achieving success. v. 7
The question is whether to remain happy and optimistic when you fail is more important than achieving success or not. In my vantage point, a positive energy acts as a power drug and it can motivate us in the best way toward success. My arguments and reasons are listed the below that will strengthen my point of view: First of all, failing can play an important role in obtaining prosperity. Most of the famous people in the world have experienced several fails in their life; however at the end they could have been succeeded. What is the awesome secret about them? Admittedly, having a positive force and happy soul has encouraged them to continue their way. For instance, the professor SAMIEE – he is one of the most famous brain surgeons in the world- always highlights that has had a difficult life, however the thing which helped him to improve himself was a good sprit and confident to the future. Second, if arriving to the success is convenient, people will not perceive the meanings of fails. Everyone can let down quickly after every mistake, and this matter will decrease their performance. As the old saying goes” the mistakes are the precious lessons of life that can be learned in the hardest way”. One of the most vital lessons that should be learned in this way is happiness. I remember, last year when I failed in archaeology exam, I could not eat any things and was crying continually, my grandma told me that you were a looser not because of you failed in exam, but because of your soul were killed by yourself. It was a huge flick to my life. Third, the studies have shown that having a happy soul can raise up the brain’s performance. When a person can joy every thing, his brain will be able to concentrate on his goals, consequently accessing to prosperity will be possible. Optimistic people receive the best rewards of the world, because the world is belonged to prosperous people who are deserved for it. As I have illustrated, I strongly agree with this sentence, happiness can guide us toward success. No matter how many years it lasts, the most important thing is the happy and being joyful.
The question is whether to remain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and optimistic when you fail is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
or not. In my vantage point, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
energy acts as a power drug and it can motivate us in the best way toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. My arguments and reasons
are listed
the below that will strengthen my point of view:

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, failing can play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in obtaining prosperity. Most of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
have experienced several fails in their life;
however
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
they could have
been succeeded
. What is the awesome secret about them?
Admittedly
, having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
force and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
soul has encouraged them to continue their way.
For instance
, the professor
Possible spelling mistake found.
SAMIEE
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
he is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
brain surgeons in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world-
always highlights that has had a difficult life,
however
the thing which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
him to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
himself was a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake found.
sprit
and confident to the future.

Second, if arriving to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is convenient,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not perceive the meanings of fails. Everyone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
down
quickly
after every mistake, and this matter will decrease their performance.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
saying goes” the mistakes are the precious lessons of life that can
be learned
in the hardest way”. One of the most vital lessons that should
be learned
in this way is happiness. I remember, last year when I failed in archaeology exam, I could not eat any things and was crying
continually
, my grandma
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that you were a looser not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of you failed in exam,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of your soul
were killed
by yourself. It was a huge flick to my life.

Third, the studies have shown that having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
soul can raise up the brain’s performance. When a person can joy every thing, his brain will be able to concentrate on his goals,
consequently
accessing to prosperity will be possible. Optimistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
receive the best rewards of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is belonged
to prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are deserved
for it.

As I have illustrated, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this sentence, happiness can guide us toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. No matter how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years it lasts, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and being joyful.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay with this sentence? to remain happy and optimistic when you fail is more important than achieving success. v. 7

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
375 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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