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Do you agree or disagree with the following? To remain happy and optimistic when you fail is more important than achieving success. v.1

with the following? To remain happy and optimistic when you fail is more important than achieving success. v. 1
Many people become unhappy when they are making mistakes because they think that their failures were sign of weakness. Although i understand their point of view. I prefer to be happy and optimistic when I fail because it will give me incentive to achieve my goal, and it will help me learn from my mistake. First, remain happy it will give me incentive to achieve my goal. For example, my friend opened business for a while, then he failed because he did some mistakes. As a result he was unhappy, and he decided to close his business. On the other hand, when i was learning how to drive 10 years ago, I failed at first 2 tries but i was optimistic because i trusted in my self, and this gave me more pushes to learn. At the end i achieved my goal and i succeed. So we should remember that we should try to find solutions to life' s problems. Next, fail will help me to learn from my mistakes. for example, when my friend failed, and he didn' t try again and again to open another business, this doesn' t help him to take risk and to be stronger than before. He should took this lesson as a learning tool. we must Learn the lesson and move on. If he learned from this lesson he won' t make his mistakes again, and will become stronger, wiser and more experienced. On contrary, I' m always taking advantages from my mistakes. For example, 3 years ago i bought a home then i spent a lot of money on it to sell it and to gain more money but it didn' t sell in a good price, and I lost a lot of money. At this time i wasn' t unhappy otherwise i learned an important lesson in my life. Moreover my mistakes are helping me to become better at what i' m doing. It gave me an experience on how I can make financial investment when I want to trade in homes again. To put everything in a nut shell, according to the reasons mentioned above, I believe that mistakes make us stronger, and i encourage every one to take a lesson from his mistake and never give up.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
become unhappy when they are making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistakes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that their failures were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of weakness.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
understand their point of view. I prefer to be happy and optimistic when I fail
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will give me incentive to achieve my goal, and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
from my mistake.

First
, remain happy it will give me incentive to achieve my goal.
For example
, my friend opened business for a while, then he failed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he did
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistakes
.
As a result
he was unhappy, and he decided to close his business.
On the other hand
, when
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
was learning how to drive 10 years ago, I failed at
first
2 tries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
was optimistic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
trusted in my self, and this gave me more pushes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
achieved my goal and
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
succeed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
we should remember that we should try to find solutions to
Possible spelling mistake found.
life&
#039; s problems.

Next
, fail will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
from my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistakes
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
example, when my friend failed, and he
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t try again and again to open another business, this
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and to be stronger than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. He should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "take"
took
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
as a learning tool.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Learn
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
on. If he learned from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
he
Possible spelling mistake found.
won&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistakes
again, and will become stronger, wiser and more experienced. On contrary,
Possible spelling mistake found.
I&
#039; m always taking advantages from my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistakes
.
For example
, 3 years ago
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a home then
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money on it to sell it and to gain more money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t sell in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
price, and I lost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money. At this time i
Possible spelling mistake found.
wasn&
#039; t unhappy
otherwise
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
learned an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
in my life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistakes
are helping me to become better at what
Possible spelling mistake found.
i&
#039; m doing. It gave me an experience on how I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
financial investment when I want to trade in homes again.

To put everything in a nut shell, according to the reasons mentioned above, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistakes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us stronger, and
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
encourage every one to take a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
from his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mistake
and never give up.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
23Mistakes

IELTS essay with the following? To remain happy and optimistic when you fail is more important than achieving success. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
378 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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