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Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Playing sports teaches people important lessons in their life. v.5

Playing sports teaches people important lessons in their life. v. 5
The people rarely think about a dream society which they expect that is too perfect to create it and become reality. For me, an ideal community is really safe, brings a huge of benefits and equal to all of the residents. This essay will present about a perfect society and how making it happen. On the one hand, an ideal community is a place that people can get all the basic benefits of a resident. To begin with, they would have a fairly life accommodation and have a job to get a enough salary to pay for their life such as the clothes, foods and other activities. Moreover, the society, which have a low rate of criminals, the thief and robber, is also a part of perfect one. Besides, all the children are available to go to school and studied with a high quality of education. For the children who have their own talent, will be trained and improved to have a better future life. All kids’ tuition fees would be paid by the governments, the medical fees also, so their parents will not have any financial burden about paying those fees such as in German and other Europe countries. On the other hand, there are some several ways to create a perfect community. Initially, the government needs to develop the nation’s economic because when they have a good finances, all the training and studying courses of the kids are paid. Then the official would create a significant number of job opportunities for the poor, disable and homeless people by opening the factories and manufactured places. That will have those residents generate the stability incomes, so they can pay for the individuals from the government. When they have a stable life, the proportion of crime in the community is decreased. To sum up, it has difficulty in making a dream society in the real life, but it is able to improve the life in the present becomes better.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about a dream
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
that is
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
to create it and become reality. For me, an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is
really
safe, brings
The phrase 'a huge of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a huge of
benefits and equal to
Consider using "all the".
all of the
residents. This essay will present about a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and how making it happen.

On the one hand, an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is a place that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
all the basic benefits of a resident. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, they would have a
fairly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
accommodation and have a job to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
salary to pay for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
such as the clothes, foods and other activities.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, which have a low rate of criminals, the thief and robber, is
also
a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
one.
Besides
, all the children are available to go to school and studied with a high quality of education. For the children who have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
talent, will
be trained
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
to have a better future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. All kids’ tuition fees would
be paid
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, the medical fees
also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their parents will not have any financial burden about paying those fees such as in German and other Europe countries.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
several ways to create a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
Initially
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to develop the nation’s economic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
finances, all the training and studying courses of the kids
are paid
. Then the official would create a significant number of job opportunities for the poor, disable and homeless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by opening the factories and manufactured places. That will have those residents generate the stability incomes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can pay for the individuals from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. When they have a stable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, the proportion of crime in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is decreased
.

To sum up, it has difficulty in making a dream
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in the real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the present becomes better.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Playing sports teaches people important lessons in their life. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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