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do you agree or disagree with the statement? Parents should be involved in the process of helping their children to choose a university. v.2

Parents should be involved in the process of helping their children to choose a university. v. 2
Some individuals opine that, non-paying community service should be a mandatory section of high school programmes such as employing for a charity, improving the society and educating about sports to young minds. This essay will argue, why these services should be made necessary in schools in further detail. Firstly, the pupil learns valuable lessons by participating in such programmes they will become a responsible person, a role model for everyone, but also they will become physically and mentally healthy and strong. Secondly, they will become an all-rounder figure in academic life as well as in the extra-curricular activities. Thirdly, they will earn love, respect and admiration from poor people who receive charity from students joining in these activities. For example, a report submitted by an agency stated that after introducing these services at study places there was a 75% significant rise in the number of pupils taking part in these unpaid community service in England. On the other hand, the school authorities should motivate the students to take part in these functions whenever they are held. In contrast, students should take part in these events and achieve success. Even though, by doing these tasks the students don't get wage, but they have the satisfaction towards their work and feel happy that they have done something good for their community. To illustrate, a survey report submitted by the Falcon newspaper stated that there was nearly 65% increase in students who ended up doing charity work and developing their neighbourhood in Spain Federal School. To conclude, this essay argued why it is beneficial to have extra curricular activities in education centres such as helping the needy people, improving the infrastructure of society and teaching sports to the young guns.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals opine that, non-paying community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
should be a mandatory section of high school
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
such as employing for a charity, improving the society and educating about sports to young minds. This essay will argue, why these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
should
be made
necessary in schools in
further
detail.

Firstly
, the pupil learns valuable lessons by participating in such
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
they will become a responsible person, a role model for everyone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they will become
physically
and mentally healthy and strong.
Secondly
, they will become an all-rounder figure in academic life
as well
as in the extra-curricular activities.
Thirdly
, they will earn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, respect and admiration from poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who receive charity from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
joining in these activities.
For example
, a report submitted by an agency stated that after introducing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
at study places there was a 75% significant rise in the number of pupils taking part in these unpaid community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
in England.

On the other hand
, the school authorities should motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in these functions whenever they
are held
.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and achieve success.
Even though
, by doing these tasks the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
wage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have the satisfaction towards their work and feel happy that they have done something
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their community. To illustrate, a survey report submitted by the Falcon newspaper stated that there was
nearly
65% increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who ended up doing charity work and developing their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
in Spain Federal School.

To conclude
, this essay argued why it is beneficial to have
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activities in education
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
such as helping the needy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, improving the infrastructure of society and teaching sports to the young guns.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Parents should be involved in the process of helping their children to choose a university. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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