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Do you agree or disagree with the folowing statement? Young people enjoy life more than older people do. v.1

Young people enjoy life more than older people do. v. 1
In the last few decades, schooling is no longer restricted to a specific place. Rather, people are beginning to teach their children within the confines of their house. Whilst some are concerned that this is wrong, I strongly believe that it is a potential pathway. Schooling from home gives the parents a sense of safety. Since our climes are gradually becoming too dangerous to live in especially for the tender ones, parents assume that they are well protected when they are close by, as compared to when they are several miles away in schools. The Daily Times Newpaper, for example, reported that violence on school children had reduced when some communities in Africa began to embrace home education. Thus, making it the most acceptable method of passing down knowledge. Secondly, house tutoring gives parents the chance to spend more time with their children. That is, they can play and know the personality of each child better. In addition, teaching by parents ensures that each pupil is taught at their own pace, giving room for emphasis and corrections. The Queen's university, for instance, revealed a study in 2017 that students who were home-tutored performed better in mathematics than their counterparts who had their classes in the school. Thus, justifying this new trend. In conclusion, we have found a new ground for the next generation where they can be educated within the confines of their habitat and yet they have all the attention that they so desire.
In the last few decades, schooling is no longer restricted to a specific place.
Rather
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are beginning to teach their children within the confines of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. Whilst
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are concerned
that this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, I
strongly
believe that it is a potential pathway.

Schooling from home gives the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
a sense of safety. Since our climes are
gradually
becoming too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
especially
for the tender ones,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
assume that they are well protected when they are close by, as compared to when they are several miles away in schools. The Daily Times
Possible spelling mistake found.
Newpaper
,
for example
, reported that violence on school children had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
communities in Africa began to embrace home education.
Thus
, making it the most acceptable method of passing down knowledge.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
tutoring gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
the chance to spend more time with their children.
That is
, they can play and know the personality of each child better.
In addition
, teaching by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
ensures that each pupil
is taught
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pace, giving room for emphasis and corrections. The Queen's university,
for instance
, revealed a study in 2017 that students who were home-tutored performed
Use "good at" to mean "skilled" with school subjects. Try this: "better at mathematics".
better in mathematics
than their counterparts who had their classes in the school.
Thus
, justifying this new trend.

In conclusion
, we have found a new ground for the
next
generation where they can
be educated
within the confines of their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
habitat and
yet
they have all the attention that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
desire.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people enjoy life more than older people do. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
245 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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