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Do you agree or disagree with the following: young people nowadays do not give enough time to help the community. v.1

with the following: young people nowadays do not give enough time to help the community. v. 1
Zoos are one of the interesting places for people nowadays, and many kinds of animals are kept there which are going to be extinct. Whereas, there are many theories that say zoos do not have beneficial purposes, I partly agree with this opinion and here I will discuss both points of view. First of all, I believe zoos could be very important for both people and animals. Indeed, zoos provide a safe environment for all kinds of animals and offer a professionally-run breeding programs for them. Beside these, zoos educate people to respect wild animals and provide opportunities for them to have contact with infrequent species. Keeping some endangered species like Iranian Cheetah could be a good example for this opinion. This wild animal is endangered due to illegal hunting and low number of breeding. So, I think maybe this is the only way to keep them at zoos and protect them from extinction. Secondly, another point that will stand out is probably zoos are not suitable places for keeping some certain animals. That is to say, some animals are suffering in the cages and enclosures because they are too small for them. Also, some animals live in social groups in the wild and cannot adapt to a solitary life in a zoo. For instance, lions have herd life in the nature and also they need extended places for living. Thus keeping them in zoos definitely will have negative affections on this kind of species and they bother cruelty in this way. In conclusion, I believe that zoos could have either good or bad targets. Zoos are good because, animals will be protected in a safety way and their breeding will be increased, although zoo, maybe are not suitable place for huge animals and in which they live in a social group.
Zoos are one of the interesting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
there which are going to be extinct. Whereas, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
theories that say zoos do not have beneficial purposes, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and here I will discuss both points of view.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe zoos could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
Indeed
, zoos provide a safe environment for all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and offer a
professionally
-run breeding programs for them. Beside these, zoos educate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to respect wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and provide opportunities for them to have contact with infrequent species. Keeping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
endangered species like Iranian Cheetah could be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example for this opinion. This wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
is endangered
due to illegal hunting and low number of breeding.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
maybe this is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them at zoos and protect them from extinction.

Secondly
, another point that will stand out is
probably
zoos are not suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
for keeping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
That is
to say,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are suffering in the cages and enclosures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
for them.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in social groups in the wild and cannot adapt to a solitary life in a zoo.
For instance
, lions have herd life in the nature and
also
they need extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
for living.
Thus
keeping them in zoos definitely will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
affections on this kind of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
species and
they bother cruelty in this way.

In conclusion
, I believe that zoos could have either
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
targets. Zoos are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
will
be protected
Consider replacing "in a safety way" with the adverb for "safety"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a safety way
and their breeding will
be increased
, although zoo, maybe are not suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
for huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and in which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a social group.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay with the following: young people nowadays do not give enough time to help the community. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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