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Do you agree or disagree with the following statements？ Playing sports teaches people more lessons about the life. v.2

？ Playing sports teaches people more lessons about the life. v. 2
Everyone with regard to his/ her viewpoint may maintain different direction toward this statement. Many people may see doing sport just as an entertainment to fill their leisure time while others have the conviction that sport is something more than entertainment and play an important role in their lives. I am unanimous with the latter group for two reasons which I vastly explore in the following essay. To begin with, doing sport has taught me, almost everything in the world outside, appear to us based on our interpretation and the way we look at our surrounding. Which means the same events may seem totally different to one another. We based on our taught and private viewpoint shape our world and in order to change the world outside we should first begin from the world inside. For instance, I have had aqua phobia for over 15 years so much that I could not even swim in shallow water. I have had tried many times but failed until I begin to overcome my fear by changing my mind about water thinking that it really does not intend to kill me but it is so beautiful and magic. I practice almost every day for 2 hours. After 2 years from that time now not only do I swim professionally but I also work as a lifeguard at a swimming pool. So swimming makes me aware of the importance of my taught, ideas and beliefs which directly influence my life quality. Secondly, some sports such as yoga can directly affect our mentally alert and healthy state. In psychological point of view our brains fall into unconscious state in which we can rewrite some firm beliefs and convert to a new type by doing such activities more and more. As an example my aunt had always been suffering from negativity in almost every aspect of her life; about weather, her children, named but a few. But by taking yoga after almost two years she has become almost positive type so much that in hardships through her life she is brisket and strong. To make a long story short, I thing sports teach us several points in our lives. And in some cases they can change our ideas or beliefs. As I mentioned above swimming build my confidence in many aspect of life and yoga change my aunt in a way that she sees the world in a better way than before.
Everyone with regard to his/ her viewpoint may maintain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
direction toward this statement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as an entertainment to fill their leisure time while others have the conviction that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is something more than entertainment and play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I am unanimous with the latter group for two reasons which I
vastly
explore in the following essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has taught me,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
almost
everything in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
outside, appear to us based on our interpretation and the way we look at our surrounding.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
means the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
may seem
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
to one another. We based on our taught and private viewpoint shape our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
and in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
outside we should
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
inside.
For instance
, I have had aqua phobia for over 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much that I could not even swim in shallow water. I have had tried
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
failed until I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to overcome my fear by changing my mind about water thinking that it
really
does not intend to kill me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and magic. I practice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
almost
every day for 2 hours. After 2 years from that time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do I swim
professionally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
also
work as a lifeguard at a swimming pool.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
swimming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me aware of the importance of my taught,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and beliefs which
directly
influence my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
quality.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as yoga can
directly
affect our mentally alert and healthy state. In psychological point of view our brains fall into unconscious state in which we can rewrite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
firm beliefs and convert to a new type by doing such activities more and more. As an example my aunt had always been suffering from negativity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
almost
every aspect of her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
; about weather, her children, named
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
by taking yoga after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
almost
two years she has become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
almost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
type
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much that in hardships through her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
she is brisket and strong.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, I
Did you mean the verb "think"?
thing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teach us several points in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. And in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
or beliefs. As I mentioned above swimming build my confidence in
Possible agreement error. The noun aspect seems to be countable; consider using: "many aspects".
many aspect
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and yoga
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
my aunt in a way that she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
in a better way than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay ？ Playing sports teaches people more lessons about the life. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
406 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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