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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Success is defined by the amount of money someone earns. v.1

: Success is defined by the amount of money someone earns. v. 1
It is undeniable that the government plays a crucial role in healthcare services. However, people have different viewpoints towards whether the government should invest in raising citizens’ awareness of healthy living or allocate health funds for the unwell. From my perspective, I strongly agree that the government should devote their money and time to promoting healthy lifestyles rather than squander money on those who are suffering from terminal illness. To lead people to live a healthy lifestyle is a huge challenge for many primary care practices. In the rural areas, many people fall prey to easily avoidable diseases mainly because they are not aware about how to prevent them. Therefore, enlightening people about a healthy lifestyle can remove the existence of many diseases from the roots. For example, ‘polio vaccine campaign’ has been conducted extensively, with the help of mainstream media as well. As a result, as of today, India is a completely polio-free country. If the clinicians of medical centres are encouraged to use educational tools to emphasize personal fitness levels and to promote fitness as the “treatment of choice” for all patients, the proportion of the sick people can be greatly reduced. There is no doubt that there will always be a certain number of people who are ill and in need of treatment simply because they cannot afford it. The governments do have a certain fund for the fulfilment of this need, but practically speaking, it shall put an unnecessary deficit in the money that could be used elsewhere. This is because the cost of treating any disease will always be more than the money spent on preventing it. Moreover, logically, the government can be accountable for the state of health of its citizens, but it cannot be held accountable for the diseases sustained by its people. In conclusion, I’d agree more with the idea of the government spending a part of nation budget on promoting a healthy lifestyle.
It is undeniable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
plays a crucial role in healthcare services.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
viewpoints towards whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest in raising citizens’ awareness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
living or allocate health funds for the unwell. From my perspective, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should devote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and time to promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
rather
than squander
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on those who are suffering from terminal illness.

To lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
is a huge challenge for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
primary care practices. In the rural areas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fall prey to
easily
avoidable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not aware about how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them.
Therefore
, enlightening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
can remove the existence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
from the roots.
For example
, ‘polio vaccine campaign’ has
been conducted
extensively
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of mainstream media
as well
.
As a result
, as of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, India is a completely polio-free country. If the clinicians of medical
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
educational tools to emphasize personal fitness levels and to promote fitness as the “treatment of choice” for all patients, the proportion of the sick
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

There is no doubt that there will always be a certain number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are ill and in need of treatment
simply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot afford it. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
do have a certain fund for the
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
of this need,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
practically
speaking, it shall put an unnecessary deficit in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
that could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
elsewhere. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the cost of treating any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
will always be more than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on preventing it.
Moreover
,
logically
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can be accountable for the state of health of its citizens,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it cannot
be held
accountable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
sustained by its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I’d
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
more with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spending a part of nation budget on promoting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay : Success is defined by the amount of money someone earns. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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