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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Success is defined by the amount of money someone earns. v.1

: Success is defined by the amount of money someone earns. v. 1
It is undeniable that the government plays a crucial role in healthcare services. However, people have different viewpoints towards whether the government should invest in raising citizens’ awareness of healthy living or allocate health funds for the unwell. From my perspective, I strongly agree that the government should devote their money and time to promoting healthy lifestyles rather than squander money on those who are suffering from terminal illness. To lead people to live a healthy lifestyle is a huge challenge for many primary care practices. In the rural areas, many people fall prey to easily avoidable diseases mainly because they are not aware about how to prevent them. Therefore, enlightening people about a healthy lifestyle can remove the existence of many diseases from the roots. For example, ‘polio vaccine campaign’ has been conducted extensively, with the help of mainstream media as well. As a result, as of today, India is a completely polio-free country. If the clinicians of medical centres are encouraged to use educational tools to emphasize personal fitness levels and to promote fitness as the “treatment of choice” for all patients, the proportion of the sick people can be greatly reduced. There is no doubt that there will always be a certain number of people who are ill and in need of treatment simply because they cannot afford it. The governments do have a certain fund for the fulfilment of this need, but practically speaking, it shall put an unnecessary deficit in the money that could be used elsewhere. This is because the cost of treating any disease will always be more than the money spent on preventing it. Moreover, logically, the government can be accountable for the state of health of its citizens, but it cannot be held accountable for the diseases sustained by its people. In conclusion, I’d agree more with the idea of the government spending a part of nation budget on promoting a healthy lifestyle.
It is undeniable that the
government
plays a crucial role in healthcare services.
However
,
people
have
different
viewpoints towards whether the
government
should invest in raising citizens’ awareness of
healthy
living or allocate health funds for the unwell. From my perspective, I
strongly
agree
that the
government
should devote their
money
and time to promoting
healthy
lifestyles
rather
than squander
money
on those who are suffering from terminal illness.

To lead
people
to
live
a
healthy
lifestyle
is a huge challenge for
many
primary care practices. In the rural areas,
many
people
fall prey to
easily
avoidable
diseases
mainly
because
they are not aware about how to
prevent
them.
Therefore
, enlightening
people
about a
healthy
lifestyle
can remove the existence of
many
diseases
from the roots.
For example
, ‘polio vaccine campaign’ has
been conducted
extensively
, with the
help
of mainstream media
as well
.
As a result
, as of
today
, India is a completely polio-free country. If the clinicians of medical
centres
are encouraged
to
use
educational tools to emphasize personal fitness levels and to promote fitness as the “treatment of choice” for all patients, the proportion of the sick
people
can be
greatly
reduced
.

There is no doubt that there will always be a certain number of
people
who are ill and in need of treatment
simply
because
they cannot afford it. The
governments
do have a certain fund for the
fulfilment
of this need,
but
practically
speaking, it shall put an unnecessary deficit in the
money
that could be
used
elsewhere. This is
because
the cost of treating any
disease
will always be more than the
money
spent on preventing it.
Moreover
,
logically
, the
government
can be accountable for the state of health of its citizens,
but
it cannot
be held
accountable for the
diseases
sustained by its
people
.

In conclusion
, I’d
agree
more with the
idea
of the
government
spending a part of nation budget on promoting a
healthy
lifestyle
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay : Success is defined by the amount of money someone earns. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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