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Do you prefer going to a live performance or watching it on TV? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

Do you prefer going to a live performance or watching it on TV? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
Nowadays there are myriad kinds of subjects that teenagers can learn it in school. In addition, it is well known that teenagers must give their best to all school subjects. In contrast, teenagers should focus on the subject that they like it. I strongly believe that I have different views regarding the statement that say teenagers need to emphasize on all school subjects. To begin with, if children are learning school subjects I believe they can make their brain exhausted. Moreover, not merely their brain that will suffer, but also their body too. There was a survey conducted by an array of sociology students from the Monash University in 2012. From the survey they found out that the majority of teenagers in Melbourne felt frustrated, and also the majority of them are suffering mental anxiety because learning subjects that they do not like. The next, learning all of school subjects are not beneficial enough and we will not utilize all of them. For example; currently I merely focus on chemistry, mathematics, and English because I want to take pharmacology science as my major in the university. I will not say that other subjects are not vital enough, but instead of learning minor subjects such as; history, civics, and others, we can emphasize our focus more wider on our major subjects that we will take it as our guidance in the future. All in all, as a parent, we must let our children choose their own subjects. Therefore, they can train their skills more often so that they can be what they wanted to be.
Nowadays there are myriad kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
can learn it in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
In addition
, it is well known that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give their best to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
that they like it. I
strongly
believe that I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views regarding the statement that say
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
need to emphasize on all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
subjects.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, if children are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
I believe they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their brain exhausted.
Moreover
, not
merely
their brain that will suffer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their body too. There was a survey conducted by an array of sociology students from the Monash University in 2012. From the survey they found out that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
in Melbourne felt frustrated, and
also
the majority of them are suffering mental anxiety
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that they do not like.

The
next
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
all of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are not beneficial
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
enough and
we will not utilize all of them.
For example
;
currently
I
merely
focus on chemistry, mathematics, and English
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I want to take pharmacology science as my major in the university. I will not say that other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are not vital
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as; history, civics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
, we can emphasize our focus
Use only "wider" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more wider
on our major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that we will take it as our guidance in the future.

All in all, as a parent, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
our children choose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Therefore
, they can train their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can be what they wanted to be.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Do you prefer going to a live performance or watching it on TV? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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