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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: people who go outside are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages. v.2

: people who go outside are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages. v. 2
I mostly agree with the statement though the meaning of success and happiness seems to be very different for different individuals. But in most situations success and happiness are remarkably with some very important factors such as fair chance for common people, mature society environment, high life quality and so on. People who go to big cities can enjoy these advantages much more easily than people who stay in villages. Most people staying in big cities can focus on their attention to develop and update their knowledge system and obtain more superior job chance. And most happiness and success are coming from their work including the process ，their salary and welfare. People in big cities can accumulate their fortune and knowledge more efficiently than people in villages. The enhancement of talented people in big cities also speed up the development of big cities. On the other hand, most villages are falling behind the times since they are lack of newest knowledge and information and enough chance and resource to attract talented people to develop villages. And many villagers are too poor to improve their life quality and they have no extra energy to enhance themselves to trigger the village’s development. In sum, people in big cities have more chance to enjoy those advantages of big cities which can lead to their happiness and success. Of course, big cities have their own problems such as noise pollution and air pollution but villagers have more problems and and villagers are very slow to modify these problems. So individual in big cities often more successful and happier than people in villages.
I
mostly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement though the meaning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
seems to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
individuals.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in most situations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
are
remarkably
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
chance for common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, mature society environment, high life quality and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
can enjoy these advantages much more
easily
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who stay in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
can focus on their attention to develop and update their knowledge system and obtain more superior job chance. And most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
are coming from their work including the process
Possible spelling mistake found.
，their
salary and welfare.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
can accumulate their fortune and knowledge more
efficiently
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
. The enhancement of talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
speed up
the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
cities.

On the other hand
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
are falling behind the times since they are lack of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the newest".
newest
knowledge and information and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
chance and resource to attract talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
villagers are too poor to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their life
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
quality and
they have no extra energy to enhance themselves to trigger the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village’s
development.

In sum,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have more chance to enjoy those advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
which can lead to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
Of course
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
problems such as noise pollution and air pollution
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
villagers have more problems
Possible typo: you repeated a word
and and
villagers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
slow to modify these problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
individual in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
more successful and happier than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay : people who go outside are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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