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Do you agree or disagree with following statement people who move out of their native village or towns are more successful and happier than people who stay in their native villages or towns. v.2

people who move out of their native village or towns are more successful and happier than people who stay in their native villages or towns. v. 2
Even though the technologies and facilities are accessible all around the world, some features of other towns or villages have persuaded people to move out of their local village or town. Widespread of people hold the idea that migrating provides a chance for human to experience new and different life, whereas others have a negative attitude toward it. As far as I am concerned, I am firmly support the first view that someone who dwells far away from his native town would be more successful than others and I will explicate my chief reasons through the following paragraphs. To commence, the first point requires to be mentioned is the more places someone lives, the more social network he may own. When someone decides to continue his life in the unfamiliar city, he would become familiar with new people with various cultures and approaches. Therefore, he attempts to know more about them and adopt himself with new life. In order to shed more light on the proposed fact people living in the abroad are more social and independent than ones live in their own country. Nevertheless, does it take a while for him to accustom himself to all rules and regulations of new town. Eventually, not only they could enlarge their social circle by making connection with their colleges, classmates, neighbors and others but also they give practical guides. Hence, Moving out of local villages and towns include social expansions. Another compelling reason comes into consideration is the massive job situations and education opportunities are available in new town and village. A noteworthy refreshingly intelligible, revealed by a recently a conducted social research, declares more than 80 percent of immigrants find profitable vocation and obtain high level of education degrees which have not been reachable in their local areas. Therefore, more and more young people leave their hometown for pursuing a desirable life and these changes make them feel more satisfying. To wrap it up, all aforementioned arguments lead us to the fact that migration would be more beneficial than staying in hometown. Emigrants are more self-confidence and can attain an ideal work and education in the other towns and villages. I firmly recommend people provide an opportunity for visiting or living unaccustomed area to boost their experiences.
Even though
the technologies and facilities are accessible all around the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
features of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
towns
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
have persuaded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out of their local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
. Widespread of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that migrating provides a chance for human to experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, whereas others have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitude toward it. As far as I
am concerned
, I am
firmly
support the
first
view that someone who dwells far away from his native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
would be more successful than others and I will explicate my chief reasons through the following paragraphs.

To commence, the
first
point requires to
be mentioned
is the more places someone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
network he may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. When someone decides to continue his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the unfamiliar city, he would become familiar with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with various cultures and approaches.
Therefore
, he attempts to know more about them and adopt himself with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In order to shed more light on the proposed fact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in the abroad are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and independent than ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country.
Nevertheless
, does it take a while for him to accustom himself to all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
.
Eventually
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they could enlarge their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
circle by making connection with their colleges, classmates, neighbors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they give practical guides.
Hence
, Moving out of local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
towns
include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
expansions.

Another compelling reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
into consideration is the massive job situations and education opportunities are available in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village
. A noteworthy
refreshingly
intelligible, revealed by a recently a conducted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
research, declares more than 80 percent of immigrants find profitable vocation and obtain high level of education degrees which have not been reachable in their local areas.
Therefore
, more and more young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their hometown for pursuing a desirable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel more satisfying.

To wrap it up, all aforementioned arguments lead us to the fact that migration would be more beneficial than staying in hometown. Emigrants are more self-confidence and can attain an ideal work and education in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
towns
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
. I
firmly
recommend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
provide an opportunity for visiting or living unaccustomed area to boost their experiences.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay people who move out of their native village or towns are more successful and happier than people who stay in their native villages or towns. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
377 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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