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Do you agree or disagree with following statement people who move out of their native village or towns are more successful and happier than people who stay in their native villages or towns. v.1

people who move out of their native village or towns are more successful and happier than people who stay in their native villages or towns. v. 1
After school academic work is considered to be an essential part of the early age education of a child. Hence, some argue that schools should give work to students to finish at home every day, while others are of the opinion that children should have some time for themselves to enjoy. In my view, giving a lot of homework would lead to have an unpleasant childhood for students. It is true that students must be focused on their studies from the early ages of their lives. In order to secure a better job in the future or to have a better life when the grow up, every child should have a good education. The competition for good jobs is quite high nowadays. Hence, students should have a solid knowledge of the subject matters to face this competition. Therefore, everyday homework is one method that education institutes use to keep their pupils' attention towards academic work. For instance, studies have revealed that a large percentage of children who engage in school work at home, would be able grasp complex subject matters in their future. On the other hand, there are certain negative aspects of giving everyday work to the students. The childhood is the best time of the life of every person, because children do not have responsibilities and they do not normally worry about their future. However, if the teachers and parents fill student's days with more school work, they will lose this great period of life that they could enjoy with the friends of theirs. Moreover, adolescents would generate unhealthy stress at the early ages of their lives. In conclusion, although providing homework is good for the future of the students, by asking them to always engage with the school work, even while they are in homes could destroy their beautiful childhood.
“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is considered
to be an essential part of the early age education of a child.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to finish at home every day, while others are of the opinion that children should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time for themselves to enjoy. In my view, giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
homework would lead to have an unpleasant childhood for students.

It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be focused
on their studies from the early ages of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. In order to secure a better job in the future or to have a better life when the
The word 'grow' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "growth"?
grow
up, every child should have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education. The competition for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs is quite high nowadays.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should have a solid knowledge of the subject matters to face this competition.
Therefore
, everyday homework is one method that education institutes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their pupils' attention towards academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For instance
, studies have revealed that a large percentage of children who engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home, would be
The preposition 'to' is required in front of the verb 'grasp'.
able grasp
complex subject matters in their future.

On the other hand
, there are certain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of giving everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. The childhood is the best time of the life of every person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children do not have
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsibilities and
they do not
normally
worry about their future.
However
, if the teachers and parents fill student's days with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they will lose this great period of life that they could enjoy with the friends of theirs.
Moreover
, adolescents would generate unhealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
at the early ages of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, although providing homework is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the future of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, by asking them to always engage with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, even while they are in homes could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
childhood.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay people who move out of their native village or towns are more successful and happier than people who stay in their native villages or towns. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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